Frustration with Passive Aggressive or Aggressive Behavior - Self-talk for Hard Times

Passive aggressive, and even directly aggressive, behavior is very difficult to deal with.

For me, the real challenge comes when it's someone who is ostensibly my friend or family.

I couldn't figure out why a stranger being a jerk only bothers me during the actual behavior, but a friend, family, or someone who I looked up to, being a jerk really pushes my buttons and the pain lasts for a long time.


1. People who say they are friends or family acting selfishly or in hurtful ways starts the downward emotional spiral. What really solidifies my angst is when I try to address the issue of how their behavior makes me feel, and they either deny they did anything, ignore me, blame me for their behavior, or bring up something else that pisses them off more. It's the not being able to address the issue that bothers me more than the actual behavior. When a stranger does this kind of thing, I just go "bah," whatever - I don't feel the need to address the issue. When a friend spits a hurtful remark at me, tells me to go away aggressively, or gives me an indirect insult, I feel trapped and aggravated. I need to address it, but I can't. Also, I invested caring and love into this relationship, and I have given a lot, and to find out that the relationship is really just about them feeling good, and doing whatever they want to me, and my feelings don't matter, it pushes me into grrr mode.

2. Once I commit to something, I fall easily into a full emotional commitment. Relationships, but also jobs, clubs, groups, etc. That also means I will forgive bad behavior for a long time until it reaches a boiling point, because I have an idyllic view of how the relationship is supposed to be and hold steadfast to that until my bubble is burst. I don't commit easily. So when I do, it must be great, right? I must have decided to commit because it's great, right? So when it goes sour, it tweaks the image I have of it, and I want so much for it to be what I thought I was getting into.

3. Because of my upbringing, I didn't learn how to deal with the pain of emotional neglect and rejection. I had to piece together a mishmash of coping mechanisms. When a stranger doesn't care about me, I'm OK with that because I know how to handle that. But when I feel that a friend or family member (or someone who I look up to) is rejecting me or neglecting me, it throws me back to the many times I had to deal with this kind of pain as a child without help or support. I know what my inner child is doing is not good for me. But she takes over and wants so much to learn how to deal with the pain and have someone who will listen and accept her. When the very person who she had assumed would be there, turns out, yet again, to be the person who brings pain instead of love, boom! back in time.

So, what do all of these have in common?

Attachment issues.

I am a nearly 40 year old woman who has attachment issues.

Sounds sad, huh? But as much as it might be sad, it's incredibly common. In fact, in Buddhism, attachment is the ultimate cause of our emotional suffering.

If any of us suffer emotionally, it's because we have attachment issues.


Reading this article today, help me put together the common denominator in all the places I feel hurt, sad, disappointed, embarrassed, afraid, and other painful feelings - needing to detach.

How do we deal with people who are passive-aggressive, aggressive, blaming, hurtful, crazy-making? Examine our attachments. Detach.

Detachment (or non-attachment) is not: pushing away, neglect, ignoring someone, not talking to them, blaming them, not caring about them, or denying love.

It is a way of relating to the world that allows the world to be what it is, and not being attached to wanting to make it reflect the ideal version we have in our head. Detachment (or non-attachment) is another dimension to acceptance.

I put this together for myself, to have something I can go to when my child doesn't know how to deal with intense emotions. When she wants to change something, fix something, or bend over backwards to keep someone from being upset, I can go to this and remember - oh ya. Perhaps it can help someone else, too. And together, we can heal our attachment issues.

Self talk and mindfulness for hard times:

• How old am I right now? (eg. I feel like I'm 17.)
• Is there an event in my past that is triggering this feeling?
• What exactly am I feeling right now?
• What does this feeling create in my body?
• Wait to act on these feelings and spend this moment just feeling them and fully understanding and loving myself first.

Do I need to detach?

• Am I addicted to wanting the person to like me?
• Does it seem like the other person is emotionally unavailable to me?
• Do they seem coercive, threatening, or intimidating to me?
• Do they seem to be trying to punish or abuse me?
• Do I feel I'm not making progress or feeling reinforced in our interactions?
• Do I feel smothered?
• Do I feel like the other person needs me to survive?
• Do I feel like I need the other person to survive?
• Does the other person's actions and what they say impact the feelings I have about myself?
• Do I feel a chronic need to fix, rescue, or enable this person?
• Do I feel obliged and loyal to the point of never being able to leave?
• Does the other person seem chronically helpless, lost, or out of control?
• Is the other person self-destructive or suicidal and I feel guilty my actions might make them hurt themselves?
• Does the other person have an addiction that I feel I must fix?
• Do I feel manipulated or conned?
• Do I feel chronically guilty?
• Do I fantasize that the other person will come around or change to be what I want?
• Do I feel like our relationship is a competition for control?
• Do past hurts get brought up again and again, and not forgiven even after having a heart to heart about it?
• Do I feel ignored?

Letting go of painful attachment:

• I am not responsible for other people's emotions.
• I am not responsible for other people's actions.
• I do not need to fix anyone.
• I do not need to fix a relationship.
• Only they can change how they react to me.
• Show up, pay attention, be honest, then let them be who they are.
• Create a safe space between myself and those who trigger pain in me.
• I am free to feel my own feelings without having others approve or acknowledge them.
• They will be OK without my emotional involvement.
• I am not shunning or abandoning another by making space and allowing them to be who they are.
• Their anger, frustration, and all other feelings are theirs to own.
• I can empathize with one's pain without sharing it or being responsible for it.
• It is OK to create space if I feel uncomfortable, scared, hurt, or otherwise out of sync with another, without having to announce that space, apologize, or tell the other person to back off.
• If a person is in my face, and is relentless, I have the right to say "back off," but not to punish, only to create space for myself.
• I am not responsible for another adult's emotional tantrum, even if it's a mini tantrum (Passive aggressive).
• I am not responsible for taking care of someone who is chronically helpless, a victim, or incompetent.
• Unless it's a true emergency (which is extremely rare), I do not have to react immediately, and can take my time to assess whether I want to become involved or not.
• I am not responsible for another person's reaction to me saying, "No," including if they decide to have a tantrum or manipulate with fear, obligation, or guilt.
• What beliefs do I have about why I can't let go of my image of the relationshp? How can I replace those beliefs with healthy, strong ones?
• If I still feel guilt about detaching, why do I feel guilt? Who is speaking in my head making me feel guilty? Who am I trying to make happy by feeling guilty? Whose rules am I trying to abide by? Do I feel OK according to my own integrity?
• If not, is there anything I can to do make amends without having to involve the other person?
• If not, can I make amends to forgive myself, without the need to get forgiveness from someone else?
• If I am OK with my own rules of integrity, can I make a new statement about what I did, how they acted/reacted, or how I feel that creates a healthy detachment?

Identifying and Dealing with Toxic People

I didn't really understand the concept of toxic people. It used to make me upset that people would look at other people and call them toxic. Everyone is trying their best and using what tools that have at the moment. I used to think that toxicity was a way to not be responsible for our own behavior and attitudes.

Then, well, I met a toxic person. I mean a really toxic person. Actually, looking back, now that I understand better what they are, I can see that I have had my fair share of toxic relationships, but had no idea what they were, and chalked it up to misunderstandings or my not being able to express myself clearly.

So I met a toxic person, and I was forced to deal with this person for a long time before the toxins became too strong and I had to extract myself from the relationship. I was becoming toxic myself. I was also becoming the shell of who I once was. I felt old, and worn out. I had to leave the relationship to heal and regain my strength.

But I want to be careful here. Although I believe there are toxic people, I do not believe they are "bad" people or that they are purposefully trying to do other people harm.

In every relationship, even with toxic people, we are responsible for 50% of the relationship. Now that I've had this experience, and I can look back and see what happened in some of my previous relationships, I can identify both the things toxic people do, and how I let them do it to me.

Toxic people aren't toxic to everyone. They need people to let them inject their toxins in order for them to do their (unintentional) damage. I can't change the toxic people in the world, but I can immunize myself, and take care of myself. One way to do that is to know what a toxic person is and how they make me feel, so as soon as I identify this kind of relationship, I can back away emotionally before anyone gets hurt. So far, so good. 

Identifying Toxic People

There are several key elements to identifying when people are toxic to us. The first list is a series of behaviors that toxic people tend to exhibit. The second list is how we let these behaviors hurt us. The third is a list of tools I've found to be helpful in dealing with toxic relationships we find ourselves in.

What Toxic People Do

- Make drama. Life has natural drama, and dealing with that is hard. Sometimes we have to talk about things we don't want to, or do things we don't like. Toxic people make drama where there is no drama, and make the natural occurring drama worse.

- Use passive aggressive communication. We all do this once in a while. Toxic people do it often enough that it's part of their normal communication, especially when they are upset. Toxic people rarely speak directly about what is annoying them. With one exception...

- Lash out. When they aren't using passive aggressive remarks, they are lashing out. Lashing out can be yelling, cursing, raging, making fun of people, complaining, listing off your faults, even throwing or hitting things and making threats.

- Play victim. When they cannot get their way, instead of asking questions and finding out what is going on, toxic people play victim. They play the role so convincingly, it takes a person with a strong sense of self not to really wonder if they were indeed a really bad person. Again, we all see ourselves as victims from time to time. A toxic person uses this as a regular tool in their toolbox, and in conjunction with other actions on this list.

- Hot and cold. Sometimes you're on their good side, other times on their bad side. You never know. You have to tip toe around them and test the water each time to have a conversation with them. Their list of who they like and who they don't like is constantly changing.

- Play people against each other. Because they cannot simply ask for what they want, they use other people's wants and desires to get what they want. If that means playing them against each other, so be it. They take people aside, tell them what's wrong, split up friendships, and challenge your loyalty. They will often pick one person out as the scapegoat, and direct all ire at that person to distract you, especially if you are starting to question them about their behavior.

- No apologies. And if they do, you often wonder if they really apologized or not. "I'm sorry if you feel that way. I'm sorry that my personality bothers you. I'm sorry if you're an idiot."

- Refusal of responsibility. They slip and slide around answering questions that require them to be responsible (unless they have an answer that makes them look good, then they'll take great responsibility). If they are on the hook for something and they don't do it, they will not own up to it and instead find a way to weasel out of it.

- Blame. There is always someone to blame, and a toxic person always knows who it is. (And it's not them, or their friends, by the way.) Sometimes, it's clear who is at fault and whose responsibility it is to fix something. But a toxic person blames as a matter of course. Even when it's not important, there is always something or someone to blame. "Why is there so much traffic? Which idiot had an accident and is messing up my commute?" "Who stole my pen? I'm sure it was Joe, he's always stealing pens." "If you hadn't asked about the weather, it wouldn't be raining right now." If they blame people for little things, it's not a surprise what they do when big things happen.

- Prefer to work alone. Toxic people don't like how other people do things (except for their favorites, of course), and so really prefer to do it all themselves. They don't like anyone looking at what they are doing, or asking them for a report, or sharing. These are the kids who want the sandbox to themselves, and put a "members only" sign up, and they get to decide who is a member - for everything.

- Never, ever give up. Resilience and tenacity are a good trait in most people. By itself, and in conjunction with positive relationship traits like teamwork and work ethic, being willing to go the distance can be all the difference in a project. But with toxic people, they never give up on being right, being the winner, and never ever give up a position or ownership of a project. Unless it's a threat (fine! you want me to quit?) or it's been ripped from their cold, dead hands (I can't believe they forced me out and stole my project from me!), no matter how much people are saying what they are doing is hurting the group, other people, the project, or themselves, they don't give up. Again, they don't like to share, and they blame others, so why would they ever give anything up unless they were forced to?

What We Do to Allow Toxic People to be Toxic

- We give them the benefit of the doubt for too long. Once is a mistake, twice is bad luck, and three times is a pattern of behavior. Yet, those of us who want to keep the peace, we tend to overlook these "mistakes" until it's way too late. This is especially true if we are on their "good" list. We look at people's behavior, they look at people through the lenses of their approval, so we give them the benefit of the doubt even when we aren't being given the same courtesy. It's good to give people the benefit of the doubt, but also to remember moderation in all things.

- We are afraid to stand up to them. Toxic people are often the life of the party, but that also means they are vocal, unpredictable, and not easily embarrassed. If we stand up to them, we better be ready for a fight. Most of us don't want a fight, so we back down, and try to smooth things out. Switching to standing up for ourselves, instead of standing up to them, allows us to keep our boundaries while also not making it about the other person changing. We might still have to deal with a fight, but it's only one-way, while we simply state what we want and believe without fighting back.

- We get caught up in their story. Most people don't make up stories to protect themselves, so we assume that people aren't going to do that. So we believe their stories. Why wouldn't we? Without a healthy sense of doubt and willingness to ask for clarification and open communication, we are putting out a welcome mat for toxic people. They like people who don't challenge them, or ask them to be up front with what they are doing. They are also usually very strong story tellers, so it's easy to believe what they say about other people. If they expect you to believe them, and don't leave room for you to form your own opinion when we are on their good list, imagine what they will do when things aren't going well.

- We don't look at their history. They are more than willing to tell us their side of the story, which is always a good side, of course. They are victims, they had hard times, they were treated badly. Their history of who they've worked with, how they left the groups they worked with, and how much bad feeling was left after they left is something to pay attention to. Also, find out what the other side said. Not everyone is toxic if they had a rough history. But this is a strong indicator. Who are they working with now, who are their friends, how do they talk about their friends? Do they tell you about their ex-friends repeatedly? Do they look for sympathy about their family to everyone? Do they have any stories of people who they do treat well, and who treat them well, and people they've worked with who like them and where they have been successful? These are important questions to ask - when working with someone, forming a friendship, or dating. It's not conclusive to know their history, but if we don't ask, and take their side of the story without question, we are setting ourselves up to be in a potentially toxic relationship.

- We make assumptions about their intentions. When we assume their values are the same as ours, or that we have the same goals, we might be good in the beginning when things are pretty casual. But as time goes on, if we go along assuming we have the same goals and it becomes apparent that we don't, it's up to us to clarify that, even if it risks them not liking us anymore. Also, if it's a person who we never really liked, and we are always at odds, this assumption of common goals can make things worse, as a toxic person will assign another person's intentions as part of their discrediting scheme.

What Can We Do to Handle Toxic Relationships?

Toxic people are not fun to be around, but I'm learning, we don't have to be helpless.

- Remember that their toxicity is not about us. It might look and sound like it's about us, but it's not. We're just lucky enough to be their current target. Or, we let them push our buttons. But they will be who they are with or without us. (Look back on your toxic relationships. Did this person change and suddenly become a non-toxic person after you were no longer in the picture?)

- Let them be toxic. We aren't responsible for their actions or emotions. We are only responsible for ours. If they are toxic, it reflects badly on them, not us. If we let their actions get to us, that's where our work begins.

- Recognize when we have become toxic, too. It's easy to pick up toxic "fleas." The behaviors of a toxic person are human. It's the frequency and regularity of the behaviors that make it toxic. If we didn't use passive aggressive behavior very often before, but we find ourselves using it more and more now, we've allowed ourselves to start mirroring the very thing we don't like.

- Remember who we are and what we believe. They might be spiraling out of control, but we don't have to.

- Remember they are people, too. They might be hurting us, but they are people who are probably hurting more inside. We may never be able to be good friends, but we won't take it personally and be able to forgive them if we can see how they are hurting themselves as much as everyone else.

- Protect and regenerate ourselves. Emotionally and physically. Take care of our bodies, exercise, engage in hobbies, talk to people about topics other than the toxic person's encroachment on our lives, keep a clear and consistent gauge of our boundaries.

- Be willing to walk away. Know when enough is enough. Avoid threats of walking away, but simply know in our own minds what we can handle and what we can't. If we can't handle it, it doesn't mean we're not strong, even if they throw insults our way as we walk out the door. In fact, walking away can be one of the strongest things we can do.

- Learn to recognize and deal with emotional blackmail.

Toxic behavior is so frustrating, but when we learn to recognize it early, when we know how we invite it in, and when we know how to better deal with it, we aren't trapped anymore. We can change the world we live in by reducing the number of toxic relationships we have, and by not letting toxic people turn us into toxic people, too. All in all, this makes our lives easier, and the world a better place.

Namaste.

The Pencil Sharpener and the Trash

This morning, I went to empty out the over-full electric pencil sharpener. There was so many pencil shavings in it, it had solidified in several places. I had to empty it in stages, putting my finger in to the mass, and coaxing it out slowly. Then, I had to bang it forcefully against the trash can to get the shavings out of the grinding mechanism.

I was pretty proud of myself for getting it all emptied out without cursing or getting frustrated that it was so difficult. In that state of pride, I went to put the cover back on, piece the top together with the latch, and stuck a pencil in the sharpener.

Nothing. It didn't work. I think I broke it.

So I look at it closer, and I notice a gap between the bottom of the cover, and base of the sharpener. There's also a little button that needs to get pushed to complete the electrical connection to the device. It was missing a piece. The piece that fit under the cover, and pressed the button.

I didn't see a piece fall out, I didn't see any other bits. But it was obviously missing. There was a quarter inch gap, and the sharpener wouldn't work without that piece. So I went back to the trash where I dumped the shavings, and went through the trash bit by bit. Ew.

Still, I managed to not curse, not get mad. Just go through the trash, just go through the trash. It had to be there somewhere and cursing or getting mad wasn't going to make it easier, I told myself. I remembered the monks who use cleaning toilets and scrubbing floors as practice. Just go through the trash.

After going through a bit of the pile, I reached last night's meal of burritos, refried beans, and salsa. It couldn't have fallen this far, could it? But it wasn't anywhere else. Plus, I didn't even know what I was looking for, since I didn't remember seeing the piece fall off. I imagined what the piece must look like, and kept digging around. In the muck. In the goo. Ew.

But after much digging, and several mantras later, there was no denying it. The piece just wasn't there. Or, I simply wasn't seeing it. I started berating myself - how could I have been so dumb to drop that in the trash? Why couldn't I find it? Now it's broken, and I'll have to buy a new one. One more chore to do! My husband is going to be annoyed, and think I'm an idiot. My kids will be disappointed. All I wanted to do was clean out the pencil sharpener, and look what happened.

I was deflated.

As I was looking at the machine, mad at myself, kicking myself for adding more to my to do list, and going through all the things that were wrong with this particular situation - about a pencil sharpener! - I saw the solution.
Not sure how it happened upon me, but it did. I had put the cover on upside down.

I flipped it over, and it fit perfectly. There was no missing piece.

Let us reduce our suffering by having the awareness to see problems from multiple directions, and letting ourselves have patience before assigning blame, projecting into future problems, and worrying what others might think.