The Challenge of Taming the Mind

One of the daily challenges of Zen for me is not allowing my ego mind to take over. It's constantly pushing at me - think this, think that, this is VERY important. I give in often.

When I don't give in, I feel like I'm fighting myself. Even when I let the thoughts flow in then out, labeling them and letting them go, and being mindful of my attachment to them, it feels like a battle I wage where I am on the defensive.

These thoughts are always there. Always. Even when I am sleeping, in my nightly vivid dreams, my thoughts are a wild animal who has hurt itself and is thrashing and screaming to get away from the pain.

No matter how calm and gentle and compassionate we are to a wild animal in pain, it thrashes, and it can hurt us.

That's how I feel with my mind. Some days, the animal of thoughts is calmer, not so insistent, distracted or numbed by something, and the thoughts don't come as often. But other days, the pain is very real, and my head seems so small a place for them to be contained, pushing against the sides.

I breathe, I practice mindfulness, I meditate (as best I can with three kids and constant distractions), and yet, the wild animal is still in pain.

These thoughts aren't anything unusual. "I can't believe that happened," "What am I going to do about X," "I hurt so and so, how can I fix it?" "So and so is hurting me, how can I make them stop?" Things pop up from my past, dreams for the future, all of it is just normal stuff. Nothing above and beyond what I imagine any other engaged human being would think about.

Yet, they are constant. That's the tough part. I gently move them over in my mind to breathe and there they are again. And back again. And back again. I would really rather think about something else, thank you.

But, what is that "else" I want to think about? Is there anything else that I can think about that won't be painful? Even things that seem pleasant to think about are matched with the pain of knowing that pleasant thing will soon end. The pleasant things are fantasies, not reality.

One of my skills is to look at a problem in its entirety and then find the most satisfactory solution. I am also skilled at taking one idea and connecting it to another, finding parallels, metaphors, and how one thing affects another. That skill is also a curse, because thoughts and mindfulness is one thing that I can't really understand or see from far enough away to get a grasp on what the problem even is. I grasp and try to explain it, solve it, get more information about it. It doesn't work. The more I try to figure it out, the harder a problem it becomes.

Why can I not tame my mind? I think, it's because, I'm trying to tame my mind.

These past couple of days have been emotionally draining for me. Nothing specific is going on in my life to cause it. In fact, my internal struggle is probably because nothing is happening to distract me so my emotions are bubbling up and the wild animal is asking for attention. My emotions have been rolling around in my body, tensing my muscles, squeezing my brain. What do I do? What do I do? I vacillate between being emotionally paralyzed and wanting to let it all out, just to take a break, for a moment, from the wild animal jumping inside my head.

This morning, I was drawn to my horoscope, which some would say is pointless. Although many of my horoscopes are surprisingly accurate, today's wasn't. Pretty pointless. But for some reason, I wanted to read my husband's. His, too, was pointless.

On the same page, however, was an invitation to ask a question and get three answers from the tarot.

This is a random event. I know it. It's like the lottery. But I did it anyway. This is what happened.

I asked: Why can I not tame my mind?

It answered:

The Empress
You are reinventing yourself to create a better fit with your chosen profession.

Four of Cups
Celebrate friendships and close companions.

The Hierophant
The abundance you enjoy allows you the freedom to be yourself.

All three of these responses were dead on. The very three things my mind has been throwing at me have been - "where do I go now in my professional life and should I reinvent myself to do something else?", "I want to let go of the relationships that have been toxic to me, and focus my attention on the loving relationships," and "I am so lucky to be able to have what I have, why can I not enjoy it and just be OK with the opportunities I have?"

It was so dead on, I was inspired to write this post. It's no wonder my mind is shouting at me right now. I'm in the middle of change. Of something happening. Of life renewing. I'm at the doorway to the future. There's a lot of adjusting going on.

In fact, it's always this way. I'm always at this place, so it makes sense, that any given day, there's a chance the wild animal will start to resist the change, cry out for relief, and push me into my old ways. That's how it is. That's just how it is.

Realizing this doesn't tame my mind, but instead, sets it free. When those thoughts come, they aren't me, they are the ego trying to hold on to the past, trying to hold on to the old ways, trying to resist.

Taming the mind - is it possible? Perhaps so. But perhaps the only way to do it, is by not trying to tame it at all. Maybe that's what the dharma teachers mean when they tout the importance of being in the now, and mindfulness.

Confused Buddhist

One of the practices of Zen is to be mindful of our emotions. Not to hold on to them, but not deny them either.

What do I do if I can't even tell what emotion it is I'm feeling through all the confusion?

There are no words to describe what's going on in my body right now in reaction to an emotionally disturbing event. It's a weird mix of fear, disappointment, insecurity, pain, freedom, relief, disbelief, grief, compassion, hope, and defensiveness.

As I try to be mindful, and just let the feelings be, I don't have any clue what to do with them. They hover there, can't sit still, hopping all over the place.

I would levitate on my pillow if they moved underneath me.

I don't want to them to go away necessarily, but I do have the desire to understand them. Perhaps, this is a positive experience for me to practice not having to even understand the emotions, simply to let them be.

I've never had this experience before. Usually when I feel an emotion, it's clearly one or two things, easy to identify, easy to park on an imaginary platform 5 feet away and meditate on. Maybe this huge mess of emotions is a sign of growth, and an opportunity to have compassion for myself and what I feel. Perhaps it's a sign that I am no longer using self-created mind tricks to divide up my emotions into little categories so I can control them, that my practice of being in the in between places has an effect.

Or maybe this way of looking at my confusion is just another way to convince myself that right now is OK. Maybe right now I'm not OK, and that's simply how it is. Until I'm OK again, I need to be, and let myself be uneasy and emotional, so I can have compassion for others when it's their turn to experience something like this.

How Many Days Do You Have Left to Live?

If you found out that you only had a week to live, how would you live it? What if you found out that you had 100 days?

This question brings up the zen question of death and life. How can we live our life so we aren't afraid of death? Isn't part of being afraid of death is that we feel like we don't have enough time here, to do whatever it is that we feel we need to be doing? If we lived a full, and present, life, would death be so scary?

Maria contemplates the raw truth of how many days she can realistically expect to live. Having a solid number gives her perspective on how impermanent life is. And instead of brooding on it, she uses that information to inspire her to live a more present life.

It makes me wonder, why we are so resistant to allowing ourselves to live life in the moment? Why is it so compelling to spend so much time in the past, future.. simply escaping?

Forgiving in Advance

For years, I held on to anger, frustration, and bitterness. I could not forgive people who, in my perception, wronged me. And in parallel, I could not forgive my own mistakes and imperfections.

Zen study, as well as life experience, have helped me grow into a more forgiving person. I can see now how things that happened many years ago can trap me in the past, if I don't forgive. Forgiving is for myself, not for the other person, although it can repair relationships. Forgiving is not giving in, it is being strong. The weaker response is to hold on to grudges.

It's helped me in my parenting, and I hope my hubby would say, it's helped me in my marriage. Things I used to hold on to, and would create accumulated pain, don't effect me as much. I'm living much more in the moment. When problems arise, I can, although imperfectly, see how unfair it is to tie things in the far past into the now. Children who are growing and changing at lightening speeds make holding grudges nearly impossible. How silly it is to chastise a ten year old for how he behaved when he was five.

It's a window that gets smaller and smaller, as I learn to forgive things more quickly. The more practice I have in forgiving, the easier it comes.

What if, I could forgive at the very moment of a wrong-doing? What if I could forgive my children and my hubby at the moment that they do something I deem is painful, frustrating, or just plain wrong? Can I make the window that small?

And, is it possible, to go even farther, and to forgive before the wrong-doing even occurs? Is it possible to forgive in advance?

How freeing that would be, to forgive everyone in advance, so when things happen, I've already let go of the baggage that increases pain and suffering.

That will be my zen focus for this weekend: forgiving all the past, forgiving in the present, and forgiving in advance.

Dealing With Passive-aggressive People

I admit that I have a hard time dealing with passive-aggressive people. Passive-aggressive people (P/A for short) use passive means to display aggressive behavior. They use every means possible to look like the good guy, and the other person like the bad guy.

Passive-aggressive people are untouchable. They never apologize, they don't take responsibility for their behavior, they complain that other people don't live up to their expectations, and they avoid facing hard truths, especially when it means they have to look at themselves. Oh, and when they hurt others, they turn it around so it's always the other person's fault and they deserved it.

We all show p/a behaviors from time to time. Nobody's perfect. But people who live their life this way are so tiring to be around. I am able to "feel" people's emotions and attitudes pretty clearly. P/a people "feel" different than they are acting. They act so strong and confident, when inside they are so incredibly fearful. I don't know which version of them to respond to. The surface acting or the true person who is hiding.

Most people who are p/a, I have to distance myself from them and basically ignore. I can't get involved with those kinds of people. But there are people in my life who are like this and I am not able to walk away from due to circumstances. I'm sure a lot of people have this same experience, with p/a people in their families or at work.

P/a people have friends and loved-ones who don't seem to be bothered by their behavior. How do they deal with it? How can anyone be close to someone like that? I'm baffled.

So, I'm going along, trying to learn how to deal with the people in my life who act passively and yet are aggressive underneath.

Perhaps the first thing I need to do is let go of any desire to get their approval. It's not going to happen. They complain about everyone (except those who they are in complete awe of or who they seek their approval), so I'm going to be one of those people they complain about.

Perhaps I also need to let go of the idea that having any kind of "real" relationship with them is necessary. I'm naturally a "connect with the universe" kind of person. But they are sending a clear message to the universe, "Do not try to connect with me unless I invite you in." Perhaps if I let go of my attachment to being "real" about things, I can deal better with them.

Perhaps I also need to let the universe, or karma, take care of it. There are a lot of things I can change, but p/a behavior is not one of those things. I need to let these people make their own choices, absent of my judgment of them, and then let the universe and karma take care of it. In the big scheme of things, it doesn't matter if that one person is p/a.

Lastly, focusing on my own behavior is key. P/a behavior is a way to control a situation or person. Instead of trying to defend myself from their p/a attacks or clarify my position, I can simply do what needs to be done, focus on keeping my own integrity intact, and move on. I have no power to change the other person. I can only affect my own behavior. And when I focus on my own behavior, I can't be controlled.

I think it p/a behavior boils down to a fear of intimacy. And since I'm naturally an intimate person (perhaps to a fault), if a person acts the act of what intimacy looks like, but who is actually creating as much distance as possible, it makes me agitated.

It's my choice whether to allow them to continue agitating me, or to let it go. I will practice letting go, and see if I can make it a habit, or at least be conscious that I have a choice.

Do you know any passive-aggressive people? How do you handle them?

Living in the Moment - or Not

Mike over at Thoughts on Spirituality, Liturgy and Religion posted a cute cartoon about living in the moment. It gave me a good giggle.

Sitting Together in Silence

Yesterday, I had my first collective meditative experience.

I'd been considering joining a meditation group for a while. Things kept getting in the way. I figured, when the time was right, the universe would send me an opportunity - so long as I kept my mind open to the possibilities.

In the pursuit of a local yoga class that started early enough in the morning that I could go and come back before my husband left for work, I stumbled upon a zen meditation session. It was being offered during the exact time frame that I hoped to find a yoga class.

So I did the zen meditation instead of yoga. I was cold, it was dark still and it had been many months since I had sat for more than 5 minutes in a row. I fidgeted, and I had an itchy nose.

But I sat. And sat and sat. For 30 min. Then we did a 5 min. walking meditation. And then chanted the heart sutra.

I didn't feel miraculously better afterwards. Or like I was suddenly transplanted to another plan of calmness. But it felt... right. Like I belonged there. I immediately got along with everyone. And I can see how doing this on a regular basis will be good practice for me. It will reinforce my habit for mindfulness and peace. And give me a place to practice my sitting where I don't have to wrench time from my family.

I think the hardest part of being patient is letting go of the value of time. There is only now. I'm just starting to really understand what that means, after years of believing it and saying it and trying to live it. It's a lesson I'm learning slowly. But I am learning. I don't know if I'll ever stop learning.

Religion of Simplicity

ScottFree2b talks here about deeper religion and spirituality stemming from more and more simplicity, not complexity. Going deep and defining our own connection with God.

He quotes The Gift of Change: Spiritual Guidance for Living Your Best Life by Marianne Williamson, which is now on my Amazon Wishlist.

I love the idea of simplicity. Perhaps that's why I am so attracted to Buddhism. But even Buddhism seems "heavy" sometimes, with the eightfold path, and the chanting and various other things.

The basic message tho, that everything is *now*, is as simple as it gets. And that's the ONE message that hits me hardest, and wakes me up. All the other things, are complexities on this. Now is the only time we have. So whatever we're gonna do, however we're gonna live, has to happen now.

I love that. It's so simple. And so true.