I've been struggling with being happy.
Kind of an existential thing. What am I here for, who am I, what do I want to do with the 2nd half of my life? Questions to myself of what kind of imprint I want to put into this world.
A little over a year ago, I had a very clear idea of this. I had a purpose, was overall quite happy. Driven, one could say. Then, the rug was pulled out from under me, as life does to us sometimes, and everything I thought I was doing right came into question.
I felt lost. I had lost myself in my purpose, or something like that. Or maybe, everything was just fine, but with such an unexpected life change, I have to start from scratch?
Nevertheless, I'm formulating a kind of life vision for what my truth is, and where my happiness comes from. I'm finding it to be a bit different criteria than I had before. So maybe it's good that life tossed me around a bit. It forced me to reset.
So, this is what I have so far, in putting my truth together of what makes me feel like I'm moving toward a full happy, satisfied, and whole existence. This is the first time I've attempted to write this down. Let's see where it goes.
Tools and Techniques for my Happiness and Personal Truth
- Spend time with happy people, who don't need to put me down, put others down, or create drama to relieve their pain. Surround myself with people who are at least one step ahead of me in the happiness department.
- Remove toxic people from my everyday life. (More on toxic people here.)
- Do hard things. Not arbitrarily hard things. Not make things that can be done easily into something complicated. Do things that are inherently harder than what I'm used to, that challenge me, that test my strength.
- Spend time with myself as an accepting friend - think/write about what I like, what I want, what I feel, how I do things. This involves meditation and spending time alone, and being OK with being alone, and being OK with who I am like I would be with a friend.
- Forgive myself for my mistakes. I've berated myself enough for what I've done.
- Let other people be responsible for their own feelings and actions. For me, this is an important one. It might sound strange, but I feel guilt when other people aren't happy or if they tell me their stories of woe. I feel the need to help fix their problems, or do something to make them feel happy. I'm thinking this has something to do with my childhood, but barring a blog-counseling session, let's just say it's a habit I picked up somewhere. Anyway, by allowing people their pain and fear and all the other emotions that make me uncomfortable, I will have less emotional work to do in general. My own emotions are enough work! This letting go of responsibility of other people's emotions also leads to less judgment, which leads to less angst, and more compassion. It's strange to realize that letting go of wanting to help people out of their emotions and letting them just have them even if they hurt gives me more compassion.
- Fully go through my grief. I have lost some important things, things most other people have, things I was promised and was not given. And I have missed out on opportunities that will never come around again. These missed opportunities and unpleasant losses hang with me, and a large part of this is because I have not allowed myself to grieve. Instead, I tried to be "strong" and to say it's no big deal, whatever. By not allowing myself to admit that these missing things hurt me, and I am struggling because of them, they sat and festered. I'm slowly unraveling some of the long-term pain I've been holding of what I've lost or missed, and each time I go a step further through grief, I feel happier and more whole.
- Sleep less. But better. I've change my sleeping habits. More on sleeping in a later post. But basically, I sleep less, and better, and I dream less intensely, too.
Some things I tried to do but only made me unhappy:
- Tried to not obsess. Doesn't work. I just get more disappointed with myself for not being strong enough. Instead, I've changed to accepting this obsessing business as part of who I am, and like a friend, comforting myself and listening gently through it all.
- Made a checklist of what I could do better. Again, didn't work. I did do some things better for a short while, and it felt good to make the list itself, but then I ended up just being who I am and disappointing myself yet again that I couldn't change enough for my own satisfaction. (Interestingly, letting go of the "do better" list, I'm making more changes.)
- Distract myself. Distraction works as a great tool in the immediate, when things are spiraling out of control. I distract myself when I need to keep from doing something hurtful to myself or others, or when my emotions are so hard and I feel trapped in the moment, like when I'm scared. But as a base-line approach, it masks the problem. Eventually, I have to deal with whatever happened or whatever emotion is there, and find some way to comfort myself, find solace, or resolve the emotion. Distraction is a great tool for the toolbox, but it doesn't work to deal with overall happiness.
That's what I got so far. I'm hoping through all this, I'll find a nice place to bob around for the next 40 years, with only a few blips here and there to deal with inevitable life stressors. If I can do that, and continue to do hard things, I'm thinking my life will be pretty awesome, and I'll do lots of great things along the way.
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
April 23, 2011
February 3, 2011
The Challenge of Taming the Mind
One of the daily challenges of Zen for me is not allowing my ego mind to take over. It's constantly pushing at me - think this, think that, this is VERY important. I give in often.
When I don't give in, I feel like I'm fighting myself. Even when I let the thoughts flow in then out, labeling them and letting them go, and being mindful of my attachment to them, it feels like a battle I wage where I am on the defensive.
These thoughts are always there. Always. Even when I am sleeping, in my nightly vivid dreams, my thoughts are a wild animal who has hurt itself and is thrashing and screaming to get away from the pain.
No matter how calm and gentle and compassionate we are to a wild animal in pain, it thrashes, and it can hurt us.
That's how I feel with my mind. Some days, the animal of thoughts is calmer, not so insistent, distracted or numbed by something, and the thoughts don't come as often. But other days, the pain is very real, and my head seems so small a place for them to be contained, pushing against the sides.
I breathe, I practice mindfulness, I meditate (as best I can with three kids and constant distractions), and yet, the wild animal is still in pain.
These thoughts aren't anything unusual. "I can't believe that happened," "What am I going to do about X," "I hurt so and so, how can I fix it?" "So and so is hurting me, how can I make them stop?" Things pop up from my past, dreams for the future, all of it is just normal stuff. Nothing above and beyond what I imagine any other engaged human being would think about.
Yet, they are constant. That's the tough part. I gently move them over in my mind to breathe and there they are again. And back again. And back again. I would really rather think about something else, thank you.
But, what is that "else" I want to think about? Is there anything else that I can think about that won't be painful? Even things that seem pleasant to think about are matched with the pain of knowing that pleasant thing will soon end. The pleasant things are fantasies, not reality.
One of my skills is to look at a problem in its entirety and then find the most satisfactory solution. I am also skilled at taking one idea and connecting it to another, finding parallels, metaphors, and how one thing affects another. That skill is also a curse, because thoughts and mindfulness is one thing that I can't really understand or see from far enough away to get a grasp on what the problem even is. I grasp and try to explain it, solve it, get more information about it. It doesn't work. The more I try to figure it out, the harder a problem it becomes.
Why can I not tame my mind? I think, it's because, I'm trying to tame my mind.
These past couple of days have been emotionally draining for me. Nothing specific is going on in my life to cause it. In fact, my internal struggle is probably because nothing is happening to distract me so my emotions are bubbling up and the wild animal is asking for attention. My emotions have been rolling around in my body, tensing my muscles, squeezing my brain. What do I do? What do I do? I vacillate between being emotionally paralyzed and wanting to let it all out, just to take a break, for a moment, from the wild animal jumping inside my head.
This morning, I was drawn to my horoscope, which some would say is pointless. Although many of my horoscopes are surprisingly accurate, today's wasn't. Pretty pointless. But for some reason, I wanted to read my husband's. His, too, was pointless.
On the same page, however, was an invitation to ask a question and get three answers from the tarot.
This is a random event. I know it. It's like the lottery. But I did it anyway. This is what happened.
All three of these responses were dead on. The very three things my mind has been throwing at me have been - "where do I go now in my professional life and should I reinvent myself to do something else?", "I want to let go of the relationships that have been toxic to me, and focus my attention on the loving relationships," and "I am so lucky to be able to have what I have, why can I not enjoy it and just be OK with the opportunities I have?"
It was so dead on, I was inspired to write this post. It's no wonder my mind is shouting at me right now. I'm in the middle of change. Of something happening. Of life renewing. I'm at the doorway to the future. There's a lot of adjusting going on.
In fact, it's always this way. I'm always at this place, so it makes sense, that any given day, there's a chance the wild animal will start to resist the change, cry out for relief, and push me into my old ways. That's how it is. That's just how it is.
Realizing this doesn't tame my mind, but instead, sets it free. When those thoughts come, they aren't me, they are the ego trying to hold on to the past, trying to hold on to the old ways, trying to resist.
Taming the mind - is it possible? Perhaps so. But perhaps the only way to do it, is by not trying to tame it at all. Maybe that's what the dharma teachers mean when they tout the importance of being in the now, and mindfulness.
When I don't give in, I feel like I'm fighting myself. Even when I let the thoughts flow in then out, labeling them and letting them go, and being mindful of my attachment to them, it feels like a battle I wage where I am on the defensive.
These thoughts are always there. Always. Even when I am sleeping, in my nightly vivid dreams, my thoughts are a wild animal who has hurt itself and is thrashing and screaming to get away from the pain.
No matter how calm and gentle and compassionate we are to a wild animal in pain, it thrashes, and it can hurt us.
That's how I feel with my mind. Some days, the animal of thoughts is calmer, not so insistent, distracted or numbed by something, and the thoughts don't come as often. But other days, the pain is very real, and my head seems so small a place for them to be contained, pushing against the sides.
I breathe, I practice mindfulness, I meditate (as best I can with three kids and constant distractions), and yet, the wild animal is still in pain.
These thoughts aren't anything unusual. "I can't believe that happened," "What am I going to do about X," "I hurt so and so, how can I fix it?" "So and so is hurting me, how can I make them stop?" Things pop up from my past, dreams for the future, all of it is just normal stuff. Nothing above and beyond what I imagine any other engaged human being would think about.
Yet, they are constant. That's the tough part. I gently move them over in my mind to breathe and there they are again. And back again. And back again. I would really rather think about something else, thank you.
But, what is that "else" I want to think about? Is there anything else that I can think about that won't be painful? Even things that seem pleasant to think about are matched with the pain of knowing that pleasant thing will soon end. The pleasant things are fantasies, not reality.
One of my skills is to look at a problem in its entirety and then find the most satisfactory solution. I am also skilled at taking one idea and connecting it to another, finding parallels, metaphors, and how one thing affects another. That skill is also a curse, because thoughts and mindfulness is one thing that I can't really understand or see from far enough away to get a grasp on what the problem even is. I grasp and try to explain it, solve it, get more information about it. It doesn't work. The more I try to figure it out, the harder a problem it becomes.
Why can I not tame my mind? I think, it's because, I'm trying to tame my mind.
These past couple of days have been emotionally draining for me. Nothing specific is going on in my life to cause it. In fact, my internal struggle is probably because nothing is happening to distract me so my emotions are bubbling up and the wild animal is asking for attention. My emotions have been rolling around in my body, tensing my muscles, squeezing my brain. What do I do? What do I do? I vacillate between being emotionally paralyzed and wanting to let it all out, just to take a break, for a moment, from the wild animal jumping inside my head.
This morning, I was drawn to my horoscope, which some would say is pointless. Although many of my horoscopes are surprisingly accurate, today's wasn't. Pretty pointless. But for some reason, I wanted to read my husband's. His, too, was pointless.
On the same page, however, was an invitation to ask a question and get three answers from the tarot.
This is a random event. I know it. It's like the lottery. But I did it anyway. This is what happened.
I asked: Why can I not tame my mind?
It answered:
The Empress
You are reinventing yourself to create a better fit with your chosen profession.
Four of Cups
Celebrate friendships and close companions.
The Hierophant
The abundance you enjoy allows you the freedom to be yourself.
All three of these responses were dead on. The very three things my mind has been throwing at me have been - "where do I go now in my professional life and should I reinvent myself to do something else?", "I want to let go of the relationships that have been toxic to me, and focus my attention on the loving relationships," and "I am so lucky to be able to have what I have, why can I not enjoy it and just be OK with the opportunities I have?"
It was so dead on, I was inspired to write this post. It's no wonder my mind is shouting at me right now. I'm in the middle of change. Of something happening. Of life renewing. I'm at the doorway to the future. There's a lot of adjusting going on.
In fact, it's always this way. I'm always at this place, so it makes sense, that any given day, there's a chance the wild animal will start to resist the change, cry out for relief, and push me into my old ways. That's how it is. That's just how it is.
Realizing this doesn't tame my mind, but instead, sets it free. When those thoughts come, they aren't me, they are the ego trying to hold on to the past, trying to hold on to the old ways, trying to resist.
Taming the mind - is it possible? Perhaps so. But perhaps the only way to do it, is by not trying to tame it at all. Maybe that's what the dharma teachers mean when they tout the importance of being in the now, and mindfulness.
February 1, 2011
Emotional Blackmail - Difficult People
In a previous post, I was struggling with dealing with passive aggressive people. I've since learned a lot about this, through websites, books, and talking with friends.
Passive aggressive people usually use other tools, too, which are just as hurtful and difficult to navigate: blaming, accusations, martyrdom, labeling, enemy/good guy storytelling (and usually it's them or someone who they are currently putting on a pedestal who is the "good guy"), threats, bringing in other people to gang up on the target, discounting people's value, punishing, expecting mind reading, and many other behaviors that are anything than healthy.
It's no wonder that P/A's are so hard to deal with. They aren't fighting fair.
They also pick their targets carefully. They may not realize they do this, but they manipulate situations and people so that they can craft a reality that does not involve them having to look at themselves, take responsibility, or change. To do this, there are targets who they can make the "other" and there are "friends" who agree with them.
If any of this sounds familiar to you, and if you've been the target of these kinds of bully behaviors, I recommend a book called Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward. She goes one by one through the different kinds of emotional blackmail, why people use these tactics, what it looks like when they do, how we let them do it to us, and how it gets to the point of making us crazy. Then, she gives us concrete tools on how to deal with people who try to use emotional blackmail on us.
We cannot change people. But we teach them how to treat us by allowing behavior. Emotional blackmail is not fair, and it's not right. We know it, but few of us understand how to recognize it and then how to stand up to it. Most of us use tools that only make it worse - begging, arguing, explaining, staying silent, waiting for things to cool off, trying to give them what they want, or pretending like everything is OK. None of these things work.
Many of us will use emotional blackmail ourselves. Not because we're bad people, but because we are backed in a corner, and what they are doing to us works, so why wouldn't it work back at them? Fight fire with fire. There are no alternatives left.
But when we do use emotional blackmail ourselves, we know it is not who we are, and it goes against our own integrity. There's got to be a better way, but without having seen it in action, having experienced it, or having any clue what other ways there are, how can we do anything different?
I am seeing there are other ways, but it takes being brave, changing my own internal habits and thoughts, and instead of trying to fix the other person, to hold on to who I am, my own integrity, create and defend boundaries, and not be dependent on the other person's approval and love to define my success and self-worth. It's a tough road to take, but it's the only way to stop spinning when dealing with people who do everything they can to keep the spinning going.
Passive aggressive people usually use other tools, too, which are just as hurtful and difficult to navigate: blaming, accusations, martyrdom, labeling, enemy/good guy storytelling (and usually it's them or someone who they are currently putting on a pedestal who is the "good guy"), threats, bringing in other people to gang up on the target, discounting people's value, punishing, expecting mind reading, and many other behaviors that are anything than healthy.
It's no wonder that P/A's are so hard to deal with. They aren't fighting fair.
They also pick their targets carefully. They may not realize they do this, but they manipulate situations and people so that they can craft a reality that does not involve them having to look at themselves, take responsibility, or change. To do this, there are targets who they can make the "other" and there are "friends" who agree with them.
If any of this sounds familiar to you, and if you've been the target of these kinds of bully behaviors, I recommend a book called Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward. She goes one by one through the different kinds of emotional blackmail, why people use these tactics, what it looks like when they do, how we let them do it to us, and how it gets to the point of making us crazy. Then, she gives us concrete tools on how to deal with people who try to use emotional blackmail on us.
We cannot change people. But we teach them how to treat us by allowing behavior. Emotional blackmail is not fair, and it's not right. We know it, but few of us understand how to recognize it and then how to stand up to it. Most of us use tools that only make it worse - begging, arguing, explaining, staying silent, waiting for things to cool off, trying to give them what they want, or pretending like everything is OK. None of these things work.
Many of us will use emotional blackmail ourselves. Not because we're bad people, but because we are backed in a corner, and what they are doing to us works, so why wouldn't it work back at them? Fight fire with fire. There are no alternatives left.
But when we do use emotional blackmail ourselves, we know it is not who we are, and it goes against our own integrity. There's got to be a better way, but without having seen it in action, having experienced it, or having any clue what other ways there are, how can we do anything different?
I am seeing there are other ways, but it takes being brave, changing my own internal habits and thoughts, and instead of trying to fix the other person, to hold on to who I am, my own integrity, create and defend boundaries, and not be dependent on the other person's approval and love to define my success and self-worth. It's a tough road to take, but it's the only way to stop spinning when dealing with people who do everything they can to keep the spinning going.
January 11, 2008
Why Is Soda So Difficult?
I love food. But making lasting changes in my eating habits is so darn hard.
Going veggie was a slow process. I'm still going through it, as I still crave bacon and hamburgers sometimes.
I also have to really have conviction in why I'm giving up something before I can. I have to literally feel the physical effects of changing my diet for it to stick. Giving up caffeine, isn't working because I haven't noticed a difference. I still feel the same. So, giving up my diet coke is all conjecture of what it might potentially perhaps makes me healthier. I don't feel healthier, I don't feel less tired. And I really enjoy having soda with my meals.
I was able to give up meat because not only do I feel incredibly guilty after eating it, but I also feel kind of crappy. Fish doesn't make me feel either guilty or crappy, so I like eating it instead.
I was able to give up Mcdonalds because it really made me feel like crap. (I do get sucked into eating french fries though once in a while.)
I don't know if I'll ever be able to give up diet coke completely. I need more of an incentive to stop. And I need a habit to replace it with, and water just doesn't do it when it comes to enjoying a meal.
Speaking of food, there's a new fast food joint in New York that is trying to emulate McDonald's. It's called ZenBurger (do you think they got the idea from my blog title?)
What do you think? Is the whole concept flawed? Are "zen" and "fast food" two incompatible concepts?
Going veggie was a slow process. I'm still going through it, as I still crave bacon and hamburgers sometimes.
I also have to really have conviction in why I'm giving up something before I can. I have to literally feel the physical effects of changing my diet for it to stick. Giving up caffeine, isn't working because I haven't noticed a difference. I still feel the same. So, giving up my diet coke is all conjecture of what it might potentially perhaps makes me healthier. I don't feel healthier, I don't feel less tired. And I really enjoy having soda with my meals.
I was able to give up meat because not only do I feel incredibly guilty after eating it, but I also feel kind of crappy. Fish doesn't make me feel either guilty or crappy, so I like eating it instead.
I was able to give up Mcdonalds because it really made me feel like crap. (I do get sucked into eating french fries though once in a while.)
I don't know if I'll ever be able to give up diet coke completely. I need more of an incentive to stop. And I need a habit to replace it with, and water just doesn't do it when it comes to enjoying a meal.
Speaking of food, there's a new fast food joint in New York that is trying to emulate McDonald's. It's called ZenBurger (do you think they got the idea from my blog title?)
What do you think? Is the whole concept flawed? Are "zen" and "fast food" two incompatible concepts?
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