Confused Buddhist

One of the practices of Zen is to be mindful of our emotions. Not to hold on to them, but not deny them either.

What do I do if I can't even tell what emotion it is I'm feeling through all the confusion?

There are no words to describe what's going on in my body right now in reaction to an emotionally disturbing event. It's a weird mix of fear, disappointment, insecurity, pain, freedom, relief, disbelief, grief, compassion, hope, and defensiveness.

As I try to be mindful, and just let the feelings be, I don't have any clue what to do with them. They hover there, can't sit still, hopping all over the place.

I would levitate on my pillow if they moved underneath me.

I don't want to them to go away necessarily, but I do have the desire to understand them. Perhaps, this is a positive experience for me to practice not having to even understand the emotions, simply to let them be.

I've never had this experience before. Usually when I feel an emotion, it's clearly one or two things, easy to identify, easy to park on an imaginary platform 5 feet away and meditate on. Maybe this huge mess of emotions is a sign of growth, and an opportunity to have compassion for myself and what I feel. Perhaps it's a sign that I am no longer using self-created mind tricks to divide up my emotions into little categories so I can control them, that my practice of being in the in between places has an effect.

Or maybe this way of looking at my confusion is just another way to convince myself that right now is OK. Maybe right now I'm not OK, and that's simply how it is. Until I'm OK again, I need to be, and let myself be uneasy and emotional, so I can have compassion for others when it's their turn to experience something like this.

Buddhism and Psychology

Buddhism is often considered to be a philosophy more than a religion. But perhaps, it's also closer to a psychological theory than even a philosophy. Much of the Buddhist writings talk about what suffering is, what creates suffering, and how the human mind makes suffering worse. Mindfulness and meditation are ways of softening and training the mind to accept and understand.

Sounds a lot like therapy to me.

When I came across The Wise Heart: A Guide to the Universal Teachings of Buddhist Psychology by Jack Komfield, I was immediately intrigued. I downloaded a sample chapter to my Kindle, and was hooked immediately.

22 out of 26 people who reviewed it gave it a five star rating, so I bought it right then and there, downloaded it to my Kindle, and I have been reading it, ahem, religiously.

I like how Komfield interweaves Western psychology and Eastern Buddhism into each other. He compares and contrasts, and suggests alternative ways to approach psychology in a gentle, non-attached way, to awaken our Buddha nature.

Reframing our ideas of psychology and therapy as a way to "fix" things, it can be a practice, and a way to open up to life, and wake up to life. "You are perfect the way you are. And...there is still room for improvement!" is a quote that Komfield uses to explain the general approach to Buddhist psychology.

I'm very picky when it comes to writing style and "voice", and I like Komfield's quite a bit. It's easy to read, unassuming, and non-academic.

There are some parts at the end of the book, however, that get a little preachy for me. But by then, I was so in love with the rest of it, I was able to skim over those parts and let go that they bothered me.

I thought I'd share my experience with you. If you are interested in Buddhism and psychology, this is a great book to get the best of both worlds.

How To Hug a Porcupine - Loving Kindness

I've talked about passive-aggressive people before. Sending them loving-kindness has helped a lot in my recovery in dealing with people who hurt others in indirect ways in order to make themselves feel better and control their world. By sending them loving-kindness, I take myself out of their grip, wish them peace, and then move forward. Well, usually.

But sometimes, it feels like I'm hugging a porcupine.

The problem with hugging a porcupine, is that giving love to him hurts. My initial reaction is to run away or fight. When being threatened by quills, it's hard to be loving.

Perhaps, being poked a little is a short-term price we can pay for long term benefit. Think of how much a porcupine can hurt me I'd get if I fought it. And how much pain I'd feel if I try to push the porcupine away as it moves around me. This produces far more pain and suffering than if I welcome the porcupine, love it, and let it be as prickly as it wants to be. By loving it, it only hurts me a little, and then I'm able to forgive and move on.

By hugging a porcupine, I define how much hurt I receive. I'm showing it I'm not afraid. And when I'm done hugging it, I have less fear of it attacking me. There is no desire to fight it. No desire to run away from the quills.

I'll never be able to get rid of the quills on a passive aggressive personality. And I will never be able to keep them out of my life entirely. But perhaps by deciding on a different approach, and a different perspective, I can make my life easier, and even possibly reduce the porcupine's suffering by not letting their ways take control of me too.

I can't change them. Perhaps one day, I will no longer be angered by them, or feel manipulated, my Buddha nature will shine, and I'll only feel loving kindness towards them and wish them less suffering.

Zen Practice and Medication

The practice of Zazen and Zen Buddhism shouldn't "take a break" while we're sick, or having a rough time, or even when we're having a great time. Its very nature exists all the time. Yet, I've been grappling with it for the past couple of months due to some medication that I've been prescribed.

The medication has changed me. And it makes me wonder what the whole point of zazen and meditation is when we can simply take a pill, and well, we're different. What is this "me" that has changed? And if I'm so easily chemically manipulated, what's the point of making effort be awake?

Another side effect of the medication is that it sometimes makes it very hard to concentrate, and sometimes I get dizzy and disoriented. It almost feels like being drunk or high.

One of the tenets of zen buddhism is to avoid substances like alcohol and drugs, which alter our perceptions. Yet, I have to take these drugs, prescribed by a doctor, which do that very thing. How can I think clearly and be present when I've been altered?

I've been grappling with this, like a zen koan. There is no answer. The question itself has been my meditation practice for the past month. When I'm driving or walking or simply sitting, I breathe, and go around and around without end on this question - does taking personality altering medication effect my zen practice?

My zafu pillow is lonely. My yoga mat is starting to gather dust. My bed pillow is getting a permanent dent in the middle. Pre and post sleep are my meditation times, when my body is too tired to move, yet my mind is spinning and floating in a semi-awake haze. I breathe, and relax, and let the medication do its work.

There is something to be learned from this, but I don't know what. I continue to breathe and bring myself as much as I can to the present moment. And when it's all over, perhaps, I'll be able to see the path I have tread, and understand then where I my experiences were leading me.

Monkeys and Coconuts: Zen Buddhist Non-Attachment

(Note: This was a 7 minute speech I gave to my Toastmasters club, from the advanced manual "Speaking to Inform", speech number 5, "The Abstract Idea". It turned out to be so well received, I decided to post it to ZenPizza.")

Monkeys and Coconuts

Monkeys can help us find peace.

Madame Toastmaster, and Fellow Toastmasters,

Buddhism, and in particular Zen Buddhism, is known as a religion of peace. Many don't consider it a religion at all, but rather a philosophy.

The philosophy of Zen Buddhism is, at its essence, a search for the reduction of suffering. If one is able to completely remove suffering, he has attained Nirvana, or Enlightenment.

One of the traveling companions on the path to enlightenment is non-attachment. This is what we'll be talking about today.

Image this morning, you walked out of your house, and your car was not in the driveway. Imagine another scenario where someone you know, or someone on TV, insulted something you liked, such as a sports team or a political party. Now imagine an argument or discussion you had, and you couldn't stop thinking about it for days afterwards.

In all of these scenarios, we're suffering. According to Zen Buddhism, the reason we are suffering is attachment.

In the first case, we are attached to things, in the second, we are attached to feelings, and the third, our opinions and wanting to be right.

The more we are attached, the more we suffer.

There is a Zen story that perfectly illustrates this point.

In SouthEast Asia, hunters have an ingenious way of trapping monkeys. They take a coconut, and carve a hole in the top, and take out the insides of the coconut. Then, they place a tasty, sweet morsel, such as a piece of fruit, inside the coconut. They take this coconut, and put it up in a tree in such a way that it cannot be dislodged. A monkey comes along, sees the tasty morsel, and reaches its hand in through the small hole. When he grabs the food, his hand turns into a fist, and he can't get his hand out of the coconut. The monkey is not willing to let go of the sweet thing, and the hunter catches him.

We are the monkeys, holding on to our stuff, our feelings, our opinions, and we can't let go of them. Even when we are stuck, and we have our fist lodged in a coconut, and we can SEE how much it's hurting us, we can't let go.

The solution to this problem, according to Zen Buddhism, is non-attachment.

How do we achieve non-attachment? The way a Zen Buddhist practices this is to meditate. It's why they meditate so much!

First, meditation brings us into the now. Now is the only time. Now is when things happen. The past and future are only constructs of our mind. When we are in the now, we can't have attachments. Attachments are in the past and the future. In the now, the past and future do not matter. When we are attached to the past, we feel guilt and sorrow, when we are attached to the future, we feel worry and fear. Being in the now keeps us from being attached to the past and future.

Secondly, Zen Buddhists believe that nothing in the universe is intrinsically "good" and "bad". Good and bad are judgements that the human mind places on things. By being in the now, we can remove our judgements of things. When we have no judgements, we have no attachments.

The Buddha said, "Never have anything to do with likes and dislikes. The absence of what one likes is painful, as is the presence of what one dislikes. Therefore, don't take a liking to anything."

So what does this mean? Is the Buddha teaching us to walk around as zen zombies, uncaring and indifferent to everything?

Ajahn Sumedho, author of "Teaching of a Buddhist Monk", shares a story about non-attachment and enjoying life.

(Note: I summarized his story for the speech. This is my summary, not a direct quote.)

There is a fire burning in front of us. It's beautiful. With red, yellow, white. And it's warm. We like it, so we reach out to hold it. And what happens? It burns us. We pull our hands away, because when we reached out to hold it, it burned us. Does this mean we hate the fire and want to put it out? No. Instead, we learned to sit back and enjoy its warmth from a distance, and enjoy its colors in front of us. We can appreciate and love the fire without holding on to it.

That is the Zen concept of non-attachement, and how we can live in our world, appreciate and love everything, yet not be attached to it all.

Now, becoming enlightened is a difficult task. Very few people have ever achieved that. And the odds of any of us in this room reaching true enlightenment is pretty low. However, maybe Buddha has a good point.

Maybe the road to peace is as simple as sitting still, letting go, being in the now, breathing....and thinking about fire, monkeys, and coconuts.

Making Room for Little Deaths

On Easter Sunday, I went to church. Sounds pretty banal, except, that I'm not religious, nor do I celebrate Easter. At least, not in the conventional sense. I celebrate it because it's a convenient opportunity to be together with the people I love, enjoying life, and sharing experiences. Not in many years have I ever wanted to go to church on Easter morning.

This year, I had an overwhelming urge to go to church and hear about Easter. The church I go to doesn't have bibles, and many of the people in the congregation don't even believe in God. Yet, up there in front of us, was a reverend, who spoke to us about the bible, about religion, and about Easter. My daughter came with me, too. And because of her, not only did I go to church, but I sat in the front row.

There's something really satisfying about sitting in front of someone who is talking to a group, but it feels like that person is talking to me, alone. On Easter Sunday, the reverend talked about the resurrection, and little deaths.

Every moment of our lives, we are experiencing little deaths. I have to admit, when I first heard him use this expression, I initially thought of "la petite mort," which, in French, would be a far cry from anything a reverend would talk about in church, let alone on Easter. What he was referring to, however, was the concept that whenever we experience a revelation, deal with a crisis, or have any kind of experience that impacts our psyche, we leave behind the old version of ourselves, and re-emerge as someone slightly, or significantly, different. We've experienced a little death.

In Zen Buddhism, we study and think about death a lot. Not in a morbid way, but in a "what are we so afraid of?" kind of way. The reason we shouldn't be afraid, is because we are always dying. And we are always being reborn. Each moment we leave behind, is the death of that moment, of that person we were a moment ago. As we approach each new moment, we are being reborn again, and we are brand new person. If we look at our bodies, our cells are constantly dying and being replaced by other cells. The body that we had 10 years ago cannot be found anywhere in the body that we have today. One could say that the person we were 10 years ago is physically dead, and we have been reborn.

This can happen to our psyche, or soul, or whatever word we want to use for it. Some would call it growing. What we do when we grow, is that we transform, and we become a slightly different and new person than we were before. The reverend at my church called these "little deaths". And to him, that is what the Resurrection symbolizes - the opportunities we have in our daily lives to die and be reborn into a new plane of understanding and living.

I suppose, this is another way to say, "put the past behind us." It's not just that, though. It's also accepting the reality of having to actually go through the "little death" to get through to the other side, and be reborn. If we continually try to keep the little deaths away, we can't become the new person that this experience can create in us.

The reverend gave an example of two women who had lost their husbands around the same time many years ago, at another church where he used to work. One woman was the model of control. People were in awe of how well she was able to keep it together, and go about her life without much disruption. The second woman, she lost it. She cried all the time, and her life fell apart. It was the most difficult time in her life.

A year later, the first woman cracked, and had to be admitted to a psychiatric ward. The second, got through her pain, and emerged through to the other side a different person. She had accepted her little death, and had been reborn. The first woman fought her little death, and ended up in living purgatory.

I wonder if this is what the original writers of the bible had in mind when they wrote about Jesus' resurrection. Was it an allegory for how when we accept the worst, and live through the pain of being metaphorically crucified, we then can come out from behind the stone and walk away into another plane of existence? Is purgatory really a metaphor to the place we put ourselves in our lives when we hold on the person we used to be even in the face of obvious change and life challenges?

Pema Chodron wrote a book called When Things Fall Apart. Many times in that book she says, in several different ways, "Just let things fall apart." We're so afraid of letting things fall apart. What's going to happen if they do? We might have to face our little death, again. And again. But maybe that's not so much of a bad thing? Maybe it's only through making room for those little deaths that we can truly live? Because what is life, when we spend all of our time running away and hiding?

Criticism and Correction

"First, do no harm," is a Zen mantra. That includes "right speech", where we refrain from speaking unless it adds positively to a conversation or to the world.

What about criticism and correction? Does it have any place in "right speech"?

I was thinking about this yesterday as I started reading Dave Carnegie's How to Make Friends and Influence People. I picked up the book at the library last week while doing some research on passive-aggressive behavior. I've heard quite a bit about the book (mostly in the form of jokes about the title), and was curious.

So I started reading it last night, and the first precept is "Don't criticize, condemn or complain."

It sounded very Zen.

His reasons were logical; people don't react well to criticism, people don't change their behavior after being criticized (except to avoid criticism later), and people trust us less when we criticize often. Makes sense.

But is it practical? Can we go through life without criticizing or correcting, especially as parents? Is there another way to express our desires without that?

Passive-aggressives are very good at finding fault in others, while hiding from their own faults. Is finding fault in others universally problematic?

Do you know anyone who criticizes, yet is still well-liked and makes friends easily? A friend of mine once said, "It's not the people who like the things we do who are our friends, but the people who hate the same things we do."

Dale Carnegie uses Abraham Lincoln as his running example of a man who chose not to criticize. Can we all be like Abraham Lincoln? Or would Lincoln crash and burn in today's world of critical media and our society's lust for drama?

No More Caffeine for Me

For Xmas, hubby got me a zazen pillow and a zabuton. It's portable!

I've also given myself the gift of not drinking caffeine. Well, at least drastically reducing it.

Last year I went vegetarian. What I call Buddhist veggie - I don't make meat for myself, but if I'm served meat, I won't refuse it. I do eat fish though. I'm not sure whether that classifies me as cheating or not.

Why did I go veggie? I just couldn't get it out of my head that I was eating something that used to breathe. Well, it wasn't until after I was done eating that I would think about that. But it was getting to the point where the regret hurt. So, going veggie was kind of selfish (so I wouldn't hurt), in a "do no harm" kind of way.

So the caffeine thing... I got really sick over the holiday. We all came down with the stomach flu, and for three days, I couldn't eat, and certainly not drink anything with caffeine. I've been wanting to ditch caffeine for a while, so I saw this as a good opportunity to try and create a new habit. More tea, more water, replacing decaf coffee for soda, and if I have to drink soda, to drink caff free diet coke.

I am more successful if I make changes one step at a time. I can't do the cold-turkey way of changing. As with the veggie thing that evolved slowly, so will the caffeine reduction.

I'm hoping it will help with my sleep. But even if it doesn't, it certainly will be healthier for me.

Are you veggie? Or caffeine free? Why did you decide to do it? And how did you make the change?

WWaJD? (What Would a Jedi Do?)

My son, who is 9, is a Star Wars fan. We watch the movies often.

As we were watching The Empire Strikes Back, I was taken aback by the similarities between Jedi-ism and Buddhism.

So I decided to go through the day thinking "What would a Jedi do?". The answers amazed me. How would a Jedi do laundry? Talk to children? Cook a meal? Have a phone conversation? I'm sure they wouldn't bitch and moan. And I'm sure they wouldn't get too upset when things don't go the way they are supposed to. What does a Jedi do when he's sick? I bet he rests.

For some reason, that's much more concrete in my mind than "What would a Buddhist do?" I need to see more movies with Buddhists as the protagonist, I guess.

Sitting and Sleeping - Zazen Meditation at 7am

I've been diligently attending my 7am Tuesday Zazen sitting and walking meditation.

Oh, how hard it is to get up that early. To shower, eat and be there by 7. In order to sit. And do nothing.

I love doing nothing. It's one of my favorite things to do. I think that's why I enjoy driving so much. I can do nothing, and it's expected. I don't feel the least bit guilty about not doing dishes.

Doing nothing at 7am. That's rough. When I get to the yoga studio, I'm still asleep.

Surprisingly, I don't feel like I'm going to fall asleep during Zazen. I'm OK all the way through, go through my normal Zazen mantras, counting, breathing, etc. Then I come home. Where the couch calls me. And I succumb to the Siren's call.

It's not like there's a better time to meditate. If I don't do it at 7, it won't get done. And, isn't part of the whole purpose of practice, making a decision to be dedicated and doing it even when I don't feel like it?

Maybe, maybe not. But I keep going. And keep sitting.

Excitement Vs. Happiness

Speaking of Zen Buddhism... I'm reading a book called The Joy of Living by Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche. In it, Yongey Mingyur describes the basic tenet of Zen Buddhism through the parallels it has to quantum physics.

I love this approach. It's part of what I love about Zen. I've made the connection between science (in particular quantum science) and Zen before in my own mind. But thought that my inexperience in both realms didn't give me any credibility to talk about it.

It was a joy to see someone "official" talk about many things that I'd been thinking. It kind of reminds me of some of Deepak Chopra's writing.

Anyway, on a completely different tangent, Mingyur takes some time to talk about happiness and Western culture. This ties into a post I wrote a while ago about excitement. Here's a snippet of what he said:

The more widely I traveled, the clearer it became to me that people living in societies characterized by technological and material achievements were just as likely to feel pain, anxiety, loneliness, isolation, and despair as people who lived in comparatively less-developed areas. ...I began to see that when the pace of external of material progress exceeded the development of inner knowledge, people seemed to suffer deep emotional conflicts without any internal method of dealing with them. An abundance of material items provides such a variety of external distractions that peolpe lose the connection ito their inner lives.

Just think, for example, about the number of people who desperately look for a sense of excitement by going to a new restaurant, starting a new relationship, or moving to a different job. For a while the newness does seem to provide some sense of stimulation. But eventually th excitement dies down; the new sensations, new friends, or new responsibilities become commonplace. whatever happiness they originally felt dissolves.

... The trouble with all these solutions is that they are, by nature, temporary. All phenomena are the results of the coming together of causes and conditions, and therefore inevitably undergo some type of change. When the underlying causes that produced and perpetuated an experience of happiness change, most people end up blaming either external conditions (other people, a place, the weather, etc.) or themselves ("I should have said something nicer or smarter," "I should have gone somewhere else"). However, because it reflects a loss of confidence in oneself, or in the things we're taught to believe should bring us happiness, blame only makes the search of happiness more difficult."

The more problematic is that most people don't have a very clear idea of what happiness is, and consequently find themselves creating conditions that lead them back to the dissatisfaction they so desperately seek to eliminate.

One Man's Blasphemy Is Another Man's Sacred

John at MindOnFire talks about blasphemy. What is it really?

His observation of what is Buddhist blasphemy is something that attracted me to Buddhism in the first place - although I had no idea that was the case until he put it so succinctly. In Buddhism, to assume we know the truth, and that we are 'right', and to follow blindly one teaching.. all that.. is a form of blasphemy. It goes against the philosophy of what Buddhism is.

For this, I was Buddhist before I ever heard about it. I'm not Buddhist. Buddhism describes really well who I already am. Zen in particular hits the mark for me.

So, am I being blasphemous if I don't do things à la Buddhism, or am I just being me?

What is blasphemy really, and is it really bad?

The Burden of Guilt

I'm a guilt-ful person, and it drags me down. I read a quote today that put it into perspective for me:

Carrying guilt around in our minds is like hiking up a mountain and picking up every rock we stub our toe upon and throwing it in our backpack.

And that's exactly what I do. Throw rocks of guilt on my own back to carry around with me.

My coping mechanism is to not think about the things that make me regret. But, what I want to learn to do, is to look back at those things I did and not be attached to them. Not to have a visceral reaction; not have the instinct to immediately run away.


The blog I got this quote from suggests meditation. What do you think? Does meditation or prayer help one become accepting, and let go of guilt? Anything you have done in your life, or a perspective you've taken to put the rocks back down, instead of bearing their weight?

Meditation with Buddhism

First, Buddhism without meditation, now, meditation without Buddhism.

Funny enough, I find myself nodding my head to both, and identifying with both.

How is that possible? I've been doing some research into quantum physics. Deepak Chopra talks about it in several of his books. And at first, it seems totally unrelated to religion, philosophy and the human condition. But if an atom can exist in two places at once, or if it can be in two parallel universes at once, and that became our understanding of reality, how much easier it would be for us to accept that our own reality can exist right along side someone else's reality even though it seems to be in a totally different plane of existence.

Should I Go to Church?

What's the meaning of life? Individual life, and collective life?

Spiritual exploration and practice is ultimately the search or acceptance of this meaning.

It seems to me that organized religion can bring meaning to an otherwise meaningless life. But what if one has a really clear view of their meaning? Or at least, is comfortable with where they are, and their addition to the world? Can organized religion add anything?

I've been pondering this. My meditation practice, up until now, has been solo. I've thought about going to the Universal Unitarian church near our house, but it's more of a curiosity, not compelling. I've also thought about driving downtown and sitting with the Buddhists at the temple. But I'd have to do that solo (ie without the children), and if I'm gonna do something solo, that something is either writing or exercise. If I take time to do something else solo, I'm dipping in that writing/exercise time that is already difficult to find.

So, should I go to the Universal Unitarian church and see? Or, if I'm pretty happy with my individual practice, and I"m happy gaining insight and support from my individual friends who I chat with about religion, would going to an organized worship give me anything I don't have?

Religion of Simplicity

ScottFree2b talks here about deeper religion and spirituality stemming from more and more simplicity, not complexity. Going deep and defining our own connection with God.

He quotes The Gift of Change: Spiritual Guidance for Living Your Best Life by Marianne Williamson, which is now on my Amazon Wishlist.

I love the idea of simplicity. Perhaps that's why I am so attracted to Buddhism. But even Buddhism seems "heavy" sometimes, with the eightfold path, and the chanting and various other things.

The basic message tho, that everything is *now*, is as simple as it gets. And that's the ONE message that hits me hardest, and wakes me up. All the other things, are complexities on this. Now is the only time we have. So whatever we're gonna do, however we're gonna live, has to happen now.

I love that. It's so simple. And so true.

Mommy, What Is God?

The vast majority of us grew up with one religion or another. Whether it be Christianity, Judaism, or Atheism, we grew up being told something about religion, and then at some point, we went through some kind of maturation process, and decided for ourselves (hopefully) whether we agree with what we were taught.

I'm probably opening Pandora's box here, but I'm going to admit, that among the many life choices that we've made that aren't traditional, one of them is to not bring our children up in any religion.

None.

My husband is atheist. I'm Buddhist. But we don't label ourselves, well, ever. In fact, I think this might be the first time I've described ourselves as such. Our beliefs are obvious, and our children know what we feel about these things. But, we haven't tried to teach them to be one way or another.

In other words, we are letting them decide, now, whether they want to be religious.

So far, they haven't shown any interest.

They've asked about God, they've gone to church with friends, they've seen me meditate and done yoga with me. And we've talked about the "big issues". But whenever we get to a topic where hubby and I have an opinion, but there's no actual fact, we tell them "I don't know the answer to that. Everyone has their own opinion. This is mine. What's yours?"

They might ask us what our opinions are of God, and the afterlife, and why I meditate. But we tell them that ultimately, they have to figure that all out themselves. In fact, that's part of being human is; to figure out the meaning of life.

We've taken this approach with pretty much everything that isn't math or otherwise completely obviously true. The vast majority of what each human "knows" is actually, just opinion.

What we know is based on what we've been taught, what we've read or seen, who we know and where we live. Our knowledge base comes from somewhere inside, from our perspective, and is shaped by weighing the information we have accumulated.

We've decide, as parents, to give as much information as we can to our kids, but what they think about it, what their final conclusions are theirs.

Just an example - the pilgrims. During Thanksgiving, we opt not to do any particular pilgram-oriented activity. We focus instead on thanking the people who are with us, and who make our lives wonderful by being there. We don't thank the pilgrims.

But, if the kids thought the pilgrims should be thanked, that'd be fine too. In other words, we talk to them about everything we know about the pilgrims; what they did, who they served, what their lives were like, why they were here, etc. And, in the end, the kids decide if they need to be thanked or not. So far, the kids haven't been all that enthusiastic about the pilgrims.

On the other hand, they don't have any negative reactions to them either. It is what it is, they get it, let's move on.

Most of what we "teach" them is not a matter of telling them how or what to think, but providing them with as much information as they can possibly stand at the moment (and often, them telling us that our info is wrong, so we do research together) and we all come to our own conclusion about it, which is often different from one another - and it's all OK.

They are still young, so I know that no matter what they think right now, there is a very high likelihood that they will change their mind at some point. And, I'm kind of hoping they do change their mind a lot. Get a different view of things. Try on different perspectives. And if they get to do that now, while they are little, then when they are adults, they won't have to break away from anything to explore their own perspectives. They will have gone through their childhood figuring out where they stand on things. And they will (hopefully) continue that practice through the rest of their lives.

A friend of mine asked if I would be upset if my children decided to be Christian or some other religion that's based on organized worship. I said, "I can't say that now, because if they do decide to do that, there will have been some kind of process that got them to that point. The process will shape my feelings about it more than the final result. So, ask me when they get there, and I'll tell you how I feel about it."

And in the end, how I feel about it isn't really that important anyway, because if my kids' process takes them there, that's their choice. My role, as a parent, is to give them as many tools as possible (and lots of space) to figure out who they are. The number one tool is the grounding of a strong and supportive family.

So, Mommy, What is God? It's exactly what you think it is, dear.

Missing the Religious Point

What's more important, being happy or doing "well" in life?

As if it's a choice between the two!

But Gina Gorlin seems to thinks so. Her perspective - if you choose to be happy, your life will fall apart and you'll end up on the street with a glass of sour lemonade and no life.

Imagine that a Harvard freshman, inspired by Ben-Shahar’s course, accepts the Buddhist doctrine in practice. Instead of cramming all night to pass the upcoming biology exam, he will close his textbook once the stress ensues and instead take a meditative stroll around campus. When he fails his exam, he will tell himself it doesn’t really matter; external factors cannot interfere with his sense of inner worth. After he fails the semester, and his parents refuse to fund his education further unless he improves his grades, he lets himself express his anger—giving himself “permission to be human,” as Shahar puts it. So he sleeps in the next morning to give himself time to “cool off”—perhaps missing his interview for a summer internship that would bolster his career prospects (and pay for rent). When he is out of money and his academic merits are shot, and his job at Wal-Mart starts to bore him silly, he will try to “cope” with his feeling of ineptness and his waning eagerness to act; but alas, such “negative feelings” will only mount. Life will not squeeze itself into his lemonade glass, no matter how “positive” his mindset. Faced with the painful consequences of his actions on his life and goals, his mindset, too, will deteriorate.

Practiced consistently, this “mind-over-matter” philosophy derived from Eastern mysticism cannot serve as a guide to happiness, but only as an excuse for inaction. Reality is not “in the mind of the perceiver”: no matter how hard one focuses inward, one cannot cure a toothache or build an airplane by meditation. To change the external circumstances of your life, you must take external actions.

Uhm. No. First of all, which parts of this is Shahar's actual words, and what is the author's fantasy of what happens when you respect yourself and make choices for happiness?

Secondly, she totally doesn't get the "mind-over-matter" thing. It doesn't take the pain away. Meditation doesn't make things happen.

There was a great article in Spirituality and Health magazine this month about hope. People who are happy, have hope. Hope and happiness give people permission to try difficult tasks, because they aren't afraid. The perspective of happiness gives us MORE reason to go out and live and do things, not less. Happiness means we DON'T just sit on the couch and do nothing. When people are happy, they are out in the world, doing things. Engaging. Doing what they love. And being fully alive.

Perhaps it's all psychobabble. But certainly, if meditation and respecting one's own's needs makes us happy, and makes us feel good about who we are, won't it allow us to make better choices about what we do in life? And make us WANT to do well in school, in relationships, at our jobs, in our life? Why would anyone who is happy shirk their responsibilities? Why would anyone who is truly happy not study? Why would anyone who likes who they are and have lots of hope allow themselves to fail out of inaction?

It doesn't make sense.

I think that "happiness" gets confused with "brainless moving forth doing things that feel good." That's not happiness. That's hedonism. Happiness is a state of being, and it's involves a lot of pain and suffering - but because we're happy and we're hopeful, the pain and suffering isn't the end of the world. And if it is the end of the world, why make it worse by being unhappy and spiteful?

Women Practice Religion Differently Than Men

Gwen put into words so well what I have often thought while reading about Zen Buddhism. I appreciate what Pema Chodron has to say about Zen Buddhism because she is a woman. She doesn't address it directly. You can see it in subtle ways in her writing compared to say, Thich Nhat Hanh. So much of the sitting and mindfulness practice revolves around the male way of dealing with the world.

For me, sitting does help with non-attachment and loving-kindness. But a large part of how women relate to the world is communication. When I'm stressed, sitting is hard for me, because I need to connect with another human being. Sitting helps, but what helps FAR more is to sit at a cafe with a friend, or even a stranger, and talk.

Also, men tend to internalize pain, and so sitting in silence is a natural way for them to get in touch with their emotions, or to recognize them and let them go. Women, from my experience, ARE emotion. We can't just "let them go". Our way to being non-attached to our feelings and strong emotions, and to other people is going to be a much different path than men, many of whom already have a natural non-attachment to others on an emotional level.

Whereas women can usually unattach themselves from things, it's very difficult to unattach from emotions and connections with the people in our lives. And, I think women have a harder time with the concept of beginner's mind, simply because women tend to hold on to things longer than men do (of course, always exceptions). Especially in relationships with other people.

What do you think about your religion? Do women and men practice it in different ways, and understand the concepts from a different point of view?

What Is Karma?

Although I'm not a big fan of quick and dirty article websites, I realize they are a major source for web content. So, that said, let's take a look at this splash article about karma.

I'm not an ordained Buddhist Monk or anything, and I realize that all brands of Buddhism hold their own subtle definitions and approaches to what karma is, but there are a few things in this article that I feel compelled to comment on. Here we go:

Supposedly originating from the Orient, the theory of karma is known to millions around the world.

The theory of karma originated from "the Orient"? (and who says, "the Orient" anymore anyway?) From my limited understanding of religious origins, karma, as a term and as a religious precept, originated from Hinduism/India. (If I'm wrong about this, please correct me.) So, I suppose the article is technically correct in that India is an area that resides inside what some people call "the Orient". I dunno, I call that part of the world Asia.

I really should have stopped reading here, but ah well. Here's some more:

Like it or not, this law is universal. That's right; this law operates in the whole universe. It affects everyone, all the time. What people don't realize is, it's not only our actions that cause reactions; it's also our thoughts.

Our thoughts don't cause reactions. Our thoughts effect the things that we decide to do, which then cause reactions. I think he's trying to describe intention here, but I'm not sure. Intention drives action. Intention is what can change karma overall, right? Help me out on this people.

Misuse your thoughts and actions and the Law of Karma will fall upon you, and you will be horribly punished.

Ok, I haven't even reached the third paragraph and I'm faced with this garbage? "Misuse your thoughts?" What the hell does that mean? And, karma doesn't "punish", just as karma doesn't "reward" people. Karma is not a punitive God.

It just keeps going downhill from there.

Go read it, see for yourself. No wait, don't. Here's a better discussion of Karma.

On a side note, if anyone has read something on one of these article mill websites that actually makes sense, is accurate and well-written, PLEASE send me a link. Thanks.