November 24, 2009

Addiction and Celexa

2009 has been a year of facing my attachments, my habits, and even, my addictions. This is the first of four posts about my experiences facing the choice between being mindful and mindless.

Celexa: Although I was forcing myself to take it everyday, I guess one would say that I was actually addicted to Celexa. I didn't wake up in the morning feeling like I needed it to cope. But when I decided to stop taking it, my body revolted. I was physically addicted to it. And perhaps, even psychologically addicted to it, since I never seemed to have a problem remembering to take it, right on time everyday. A habit turned addiction, perhaps. And, honestly, it was an addiction I had no idea I had. I was surprised by how hard my body fought to try to convince me to take more medicine.

I made the choice to be mindful, but it was not an easy one. I had many more addictions to deal with before I could completely let go of the potential need to take Celexa again one day.

1 comment:

i'mjustsayin said...

Hi Tammy, this is so familiar! I posted for the first time the other day, and I tell ya, I read yours and it is so much like my situation. I started taking it thinking it would be temporary but I felt so much better all the time (initially) that I didn't want any "disruptions" in my life that would compromise my quality of life. So I stayed on it. I remember my husband asking me when I was going to start getting off of it and I would say, "after the house is done", or "after the winter" alway something, and I would answer almost fearfully. Like I just wasn't sure if I wanted to eve get off of it. Of course at this time, neither one of us had connected the Celexa to steady decline in attitude, personality and general life coping skills. I only take my meds because I am maxxed out at 40mg and I only take it so I don't "revolt" too. I will slip into depression so fast, I'll start crying, I am lazy and cranky. So I take it to maintain my brain, problem is my brain wants 50mg!! No way!!! I am done. Being on this drug has slowly deteriorated my life. My marrage. My business. My natural thought process. I was 2 seconds from a divorce before my AMAZING husband went "ah-HA!" and connected the two. He he has wiped our slate clean and so have I. Even after the terrible things I have done that the normal me would have never done!!

I have been on Lexapro/and Celexa for 3 years and I have done things that sane people just don't do. Like racking up $30k in credit card debt and not telling my husband, or thinking about getting a life insurance policy so that IF I felt like ramming my truck into a brick wall, that financially my family would be fine and my problems that I created would go away..stuff like that.

Thankfully I have a pretty strong support team and they are helping me now with my finances and well being but I am getting ready to taper off Celexa in the next couple days and I am nervous. I BELIEVE that I am not the worst case scenario so I feel that I will have mild symptoms of withdrawal and I plan on going slow and steady. But I worry a lot about my sanity. I fear that I am going to be like this forever, and I have really taken comfort in reading posts on here and because you have people that have gone through it and know what they are talking about.

Hang in there. Even go visit an AA meeting and sit on the sidelines. I have. And its amazing to be around people that are expressing such raw emotion. And you don't have to be an alcoholic to go. These people are going through the same thing - just a different addiction.

Diet and exercise are vital to supplementing your diet, physical and mental health through this process. Costco has great deals right now on home Pilates kits. Start kicking Celexa's ASS and taking names!! YOU CAN DO IT!!! :)