Zen Practice and Medication

The practice of Zazen and Zen Buddhism shouldn't "take a break" while we're sick, or having a rough time, or even when we're having a great time. Its very nature exists all the time. Yet, I've been grappling with it for the past couple of months due to some medication that I've been prescribed.

The medication has changed me. And it makes me wonder what the whole point of zazen and meditation is when we can simply take a pill, and well, we're different. What is this "me" that has changed? And if I'm so easily chemically manipulated, what's the point of making effort be awake?

Another side effect of the medication is that it sometimes makes it very hard to concentrate, and sometimes I get dizzy and disoriented. It almost feels like being drunk or high.

One of the tenets of zen buddhism is to avoid substances like alcohol and drugs, which alter our perceptions. Yet, I have to take these drugs, prescribed by a doctor, which do that very thing. How can I think clearly and be present when I've been altered?

I've been grappling with this, like a zen koan. There is no answer. The question itself has been my meditation practice for the past month. When I'm driving or walking or simply sitting, I breathe, and go around and around without end on this question - does taking personality altering medication effect my zen practice?

My zafu pillow is lonely. My yoga mat is starting to gather dust. My bed pillow is getting a permanent dent in the middle. Pre and post sleep are my meditation times, when my body is too tired to move, yet my mind is spinning and floating in a semi-awake haze. I breathe, and relax, and let the medication do its work.

There is something to be learned from this, but I don't know what. I continue to breathe and bring myself as much as I can to the present moment. And when it's all over, perhaps, I'll be able to see the path I have tread, and understand then where I my experiences were leading me.

Patience and Practice

Where does patience come from? Does it come from a practice and what we choose to do? Does it come from a perspective on how important we consider everyday events? Does it come from the managing the ego and attachment, not always needing things to be the way we expect? Does it come from defeat and realizing that our energy is wasted when we get impatient?

People tell me that they don't have patience. What does that mean? Are you patient?

I'm patient when I'm on the freeway, unless I am late for something. I'm patient with my kids, unless I am trying to focus on something. I'm patient with my friends, unless they push my buttons. I'm patient with my cat, except at 4am when she is meowing in my ear.

ZenHabits has a post on how to become patient. He lists many tools for fending off frustration. Does the practice of counting, breathing, and other stress-relievers actually increase our patience? Or do they distract us? After time, do we start to become naturally more patient because we see how we don't have to be impatient for things to happen?

When we sit in Zazen, we are practicing patience, in many forms. Zen, in general, is a practice in patience. Yet, patience has this mysterious quality that you can't put your finger on, or fix. Perhaps, part of being patient is accepting that, sometimes, we're not.

No More Caffeine for Me

For Xmas, hubby got me a zazen pillow and a zabuton. It's portable!

I've also given myself the gift of not drinking caffeine. Well, at least drastically reducing it.

Last year I went vegetarian. What I call Buddhist veggie - I don't make meat for myself, but if I'm served meat, I won't refuse it. I do eat fish though. I'm not sure whether that classifies me as cheating or not.

Why did I go veggie? I just couldn't get it out of my head that I was eating something that used to breathe. Well, it wasn't until after I was done eating that I would think about that. But it was getting to the point where the regret hurt. So, going veggie was kind of selfish (so I wouldn't hurt), in a "do no harm" kind of way.

So the caffeine thing... I got really sick over the holiday. We all came down with the stomach flu, and for three days, I couldn't eat, and certainly not drink anything with caffeine. I've been wanting to ditch caffeine for a while, so I saw this as a good opportunity to try and create a new habit. More tea, more water, replacing decaf coffee for soda, and if I have to drink soda, to drink caff free diet coke.

I am more successful if I make changes one step at a time. I can't do the cold-turkey way of changing. As with the veggie thing that evolved slowly, so will the caffeine reduction.

I'm hoping it will help with my sleep. But even if it doesn't, it certainly will be healthier for me.

Are you veggie? Or caffeine free? Why did you decide to do it? And how did you make the change?

Sitting and Sleeping - Zazen Meditation at 7am

I've been diligently attending my 7am Tuesday Zazen sitting and walking meditation.

Oh, how hard it is to get up that early. To shower, eat and be there by 7. In order to sit. And do nothing.

I love doing nothing. It's one of my favorite things to do. I think that's why I enjoy driving so much. I can do nothing, and it's expected. I don't feel the least bit guilty about not doing dishes.

Doing nothing at 7am. That's rough. When I get to the yoga studio, I'm still asleep.

Surprisingly, I don't feel like I'm going to fall asleep during Zazen. I'm OK all the way through, go through my normal Zazen mantras, counting, breathing, etc. Then I come home. Where the couch calls me. And I succumb to the Siren's call.

It's not like there's a better time to meditate. If I don't do it at 7, it won't get done. And, isn't part of the whole purpose of practice, making a decision to be dedicated and doing it even when I don't feel like it?

Maybe, maybe not. But I keep going. And keep sitting.

Sitting Together in Silence

Yesterday, I had my first collective meditative experience.

I'd been considering joining a meditation group for a while. Things kept getting in the way. I figured, when the time was right, the universe would send me an opportunity - so long as I kept my mind open to the possibilities.

In the pursuit of a local yoga class that started early enough in the morning that I could go and come back before my husband left for work, I stumbled upon a zen meditation session. It was being offered during the exact time frame that I hoped to find a yoga class.

So I did the zen meditation instead of yoga. I was cold, it was dark still and it had been many months since I had sat for more than 5 minutes in a row. I fidgeted, and I had an itchy nose.

But I sat. And sat and sat. For 30 min. Then we did a 5 min. walking meditation. And then chanted the heart sutra.

I didn't feel miraculously better afterwards. Or like I was suddenly transplanted to another plan of calmness. But it felt... right. Like I belonged there. I immediately got along with everyone. And I can see how doing this on a regular basis will be good practice for me. It will reinforce my habit for mindfulness and peace. And give me a place to practice my sitting where I don't have to wrench time from my family.

I think the hardest part of being patient is letting go of the value of time. There is only now. I'm just starting to really understand what that means, after years of believing it and saying it and trying to live it. It's a lesson I'm learning slowly. But I am learning. I don't know if I'll ever stop learning.

Women Practice Religion Differently Than Men

Gwen put into words so well what I have often thought while reading about Zen Buddhism. I appreciate what Pema Chodron has to say about Zen Buddhism because she is a woman. She doesn't address it directly. You can see it in subtle ways in her writing compared to say, Thich Nhat Hanh. So much of the sitting and mindfulness practice revolves around the male way of dealing with the world.

For me, sitting does help with non-attachment and loving-kindness. But a large part of how women relate to the world is communication. When I'm stressed, sitting is hard for me, because I need to connect with another human being. Sitting helps, but what helps FAR more is to sit at a cafe with a friend, or even a stranger, and talk.

Also, men tend to internalize pain, and so sitting in silence is a natural way for them to get in touch with their emotions, or to recognize them and let them go. Women, from my experience, ARE emotion. We can't just "let them go". Our way to being non-attached to our feelings and strong emotions, and to other people is going to be a much different path than men, many of whom already have a natural non-attachment to others on an emotional level.

Whereas women can usually unattach themselves from things, it's very difficult to unattach from emotions and connections with the people in our lives. And, I think women have a harder time with the concept of beginner's mind, simply because women tend to hold on to things longer than men do (of course, always exceptions). Especially in relationships with other people.

What do you think about your religion? Do women and men practice it in different ways, and understand the concepts from a different point of view?