Identifying and Dealing with Toxic People

I didn't really understand the concept of toxic people. It used to make me upset that people would look at other people and call them toxic. Everyone is trying their best and using what tools that have at the moment. I used to think that toxicity was a way to not be responsible for our own behavior and attitudes.

Then, well, I met a toxic person. I mean a really toxic person. Actually, looking back, now that I understand better what they are, I can see that I have had my fair share of toxic relationships, but had no idea what they were, and chalked it up to misunderstandings or my not being able to express myself clearly.

So I met a toxic person, and I was forced to deal with this person for a long time before the toxins became too strong and I had to extract myself from the relationship. I was becoming toxic myself. I was also becoming the shell of who I once was. I felt old, and worn out. I had to leave the relationship to heal and regain my strength.

But I want to be careful here. Although I believe there are toxic people, I do not believe they are "bad" people or that they are purposefully trying to do other people harm.

In every relationship, even with toxic people, we are responsible for 50% of the relationship. Now that I've had this experience, and I can look back and see what happened in some of my previous relationships, I can identify both the things toxic people do, and how I let them do it to me.

Toxic people aren't toxic to everyone. They need people to let them inject their toxins in order for them to do their (unintentional) damage. I can't change the toxic people in the world, but I can immunize myself, and take care of myself. One way to do that is to know what a toxic person is and how they make me feel, so as soon as I identify this kind of relationship, I can back away emotionally before anyone gets hurt. So far, so good. 

Identifying Toxic People

There are several key elements to identifying when people are toxic to us. The first list is a series of behaviors that toxic people tend to exhibit. The second list is how we let these behaviors hurt us. The third is a list of tools I've found to be helpful in dealing with toxic relationships we find ourselves in.

What Toxic People Do

- Make drama. Life has natural drama, and dealing with that is hard. Sometimes we have to talk about things we don't want to, or do things we don't like. Toxic people make drama where there is no drama, and make the natural occurring drama worse.

- Use passive aggressive communication. We all do this once in a while. Toxic people do it often enough that it's part of their normal communication, especially when they are upset. Toxic people rarely speak directly about what is annoying them. With one exception...

- Lash out. When they aren't using passive aggressive remarks, they are lashing out. Lashing out can be yelling, cursing, raging, making fun of people, complaining, listing off your faults, even throwing or hitting things and making threats.

- Play victim. When they cannot get their way, instead of asking questions and finding out what is going on, toxic people play victim. They play the role so convincingly, it takes a person with a strong sense of self not to really wonder if they were indeed a really bad person. Again, we all see ourselves as victims from time to time. A toxic person uses this as a regular tool in their toolbox, and in conjunction with other actions on this list.

- Hot and cold. Sometimes you're on their good side, other times on their bad side. You never know. You have to tip toe around them and test the water each time to have a conversation with them. Their list of who they like and who they don't like is constantly changing.

- Play people against each other. Because they cannot simply ask for what they want, they use other people's wants and desires to get what they want. If that means playing them against each other, so be it. They take people aside, tell them what's wrong, split up friendships, and challenge your loyalty. They will often pick one person out as the scapegoat, and direct all ire at that person to distract you, especially if you are starting to question them about their behavior.

- No apologies. And if they do, you often wonder if they really apologized or not. "I'm sorry if you feel that way. I'm sorry that my personality bothers you. I'm sorry if you're an idiot."

- Refusal of responsibility. They slip and slide around answering questions that require them to be responsible (unless they have an answer that makes them look good, then they'll take great responsibility). If they are on the hook for something and they don't do it, they will not own up to it and instead find a way to weasel out of it.

- Blame. There is always someone to blame, and a toxic person always knows who it is. (And it's not them, or their friends, by the way.) Sometimes, it's clear who is at fault and whose responsibility it is to fix something. But a toxic person blames as a matter of course. Even when it's not important, there is always something or someone to blame. "Why is there so much traffic? Which idiot had an accident and is messing up my commute?" "Who stole my pen? I'm sure it was Joe, he's always stealing pens." "If you hadn't asked about the weather, it wouldn't be raining right now." If they blame people for little things, it's not a surprise what they do when big things happen.

- Prefer to work alone. Toxic people don't like how other people do things (except for their favorites, of course), and so really prefer to do it all themselves. They don't like anyone looking at what they are doing, or asking them for a report, or sharing. These are the kids who want the sandbox to themselves, and put a "members only" sign up, and they get to decide who is a member - for everything.

- Never, ever give up. Resilience and tenacity are a good trait in most people. By itself, and in conjunction with positive relationship traits like teamwork and work ethic, being willing to go the distance can be all the difference in a project. But with toxic people, they never give up on being right, being the winner, and never ever give up a position or ownership of a project. Unless it's a threat (fine! you want me to quit?) or it's been ripped from their cold, dead hands (I can't believe they forced me out and stole my project from me!), no matter how much people are saying what they are doing is hurting the group, other people, the project, or themselves, they don't give up. Again, they don't like to share, and they blame others, so why would they ever give anything up unless they were forced to?

What We Do to Allow Toxic People to be Toxic

- We give them the benefit of the doubt for too long. Once is a mistake, twice is bad luck, and three times is a pattern of behavior. Yet, those of us who want to keep the peace, we tend to overlook these "mistakes" until it's way too late. This is especially true if we are on their "good" list. We look at people's behavior, they look at people through the lenses of their approval, so we give them the benefit of the doubt even when we aren't being given the same courtesy. It's good to give people the benefit of the doubt, but also to remember moderation in all things.

- We are afraid to stand up to them. Toxic people are often the life of the party, but that also means they are vocal, unpredictable, and not easily embarrassed. If we stand up to them, we better be ready for a fight. Most of us don't want a fight, so we back down, and try to smooth things out. Switching to standing up for ourselves, instead of standing up to them, allows us to keep our boundaries while also not making it about the other person changing. We might still have to deal with a fight, but it's only one-way, while we simply state what we want and believe without fighting back.

- We get caught up in their story. Most people don't make up stories to protect themselves, so we assume that people aren't going to do that. So we believe their stories. Why wouldn't we? Without a healthy sense of doubt and willingness to ask for clarification and open communication, we are putting out a welcome mat for toxic people. They like people who don't challenge them, or ask them to be up front with what they are doing. They are also usually very strong story tellers, so it's easy to believe what they say about other people. If they expect you to believe them, and don't leave room for you to form your own opinion when we are on their good list, imagine what they will do when things aren't going well.

- We don't look at their history. They are more than willing to tell us their side of the story, which is always a good side, of course. They are victims, they had hard times, they were treated badly. Their history of who they've worked with, how they left the groups they worked with, and how much bad feeling was left after they left is something to pay attention to. Also, find out what the other side said. Not everyone is toxic if they had a rough history. But this is a strong indicator. Who are they working with now, who are their friends, how do they talk about their friends? Do they tell you about their ex-friends repeatedly? Do they look for sympathy about their family to everyone? Do they have any stories of people who they do treat well, and who treat them well, and people they've worked with who like them and where they have been successful? These are important questions to ask - when working with someone, forming a friendship, or dating. It's not conclusive to know their history, but if we don't ask, and take their side of the story without question, we are setting ourselves up to be in a potentially toxic relationship.

- We make assumptions about their intentions. When we assume their values are the same as ours, or that we have the same goals, we might be good in the beginning when things are pretty casual. But as time goes on, if we go along assuming we have the same goals and it becomes apparent that we don't, it's up to us to clarify that, even if it risks them not liking us anymore. Also, if it's a person who we never really liked, and we are always at odds, this assumption of common goals can make things worse, as a toxic person will assign another person's intentions as part of their discrediting scheme.

What Can We Do to Handle Toxic Relationships?

Toxic people are not fun to be around, but I'm learning, we don't have to be helpless.

- Remember that their toxicity is not about us. It might look and sound like it's about us, but it's not. We're just lucky enough to be their current target. Or, we let them push our buttons. But they will be who they are with or without us. (Look back on your toxic relationships. Did this person change and suddenly become a non-toxic person after you were no longer in the picture?)

- Let them be toxic. We aren't responsible for their actions or emotions. We are only responsible for ours. If they are toxic, it reflects badly on them, not us. If we let their actions get to us, that's where our work begins.

- Recognize when we have become toxic, too. It's easy to pick up toxic "fleas." The behaviors of a toxic person are human. It's the frequency and regularity of the behaviors that make it toxic. If we didn't use passive aggressive behavior very often before, but we find ourselves using it more and more now, we've allowed ourselves to start mirroring the very thing we don't like.

- Remember who we are and what we believe. They might be spiraling out of control, but we don't have to.

- Remember they are people, too. They might be hurting us, but they are people who are probably hurting more inside. We may never be able to be good friends, but we won't take it personally and be able to forgive them if we can see how they are hurting themselves as much as everyone else.

- Protect and regenerate ourselves. Emotionally and physically. Take care of our bodies, exercise, engage in hobbies, talk to people about topics other than the toxic person's encroachment on our lives, keep a clear and consistent gauge of our boundaries.

- Be willing to walk away. Know when enough is enough. Avoid threats of walking away, but simply know in our own minds what we can handle and what we can't. If we can't handle it, it doesn't mean we're not strong, even if they throw insults our way as we walk out the door. In fact, walking away can be one of the strongest things we can do.

- Learn to recognize and deal with emotional blackmail.

Toxic behavior is so frustrating, but when we learn to recognize it early, when we know how we invite it in, and when we know how to better deal with it, we aren't trapped anymore. We can change the world we live in by reducing the number of toxic relationships we have, and by not letting toxic people turn us into toxic people, too. All in all, this makes our lives easier, and the world a better place.

Namaste.

Guilt and the Ringing Doorbell

When the doorbell rings, and it's not a neighbor or Fed Ex, I dread it.

The reason for this dread, is that I know what's coming - a guilt trip.

Whether it's someone selling magazines, an evangelist, or someone wanting to tell me about their political candidate of choice, I'm going to be faced with an indirect, and sometimes direct, accusation that I'm being "bad" for not doing what they want me to do. Guilt.

Today, the doorbell rang, and I went to "guilt management" mode. I reminded myself there is a note on the door that clearly says to respect us and not knock on our door (except for fed ex and friends). I reminded myself that I am an easy guilt target, and that I have the right to say "no" if I do not want to do what the person is asking of me. And I also have to remind myself that it does not matter of the person on the other side of the screen has a good opinion of me. I psych myself up like this, but it's still hard.

So the doorbell rang, and I opened our little window, to see who it was, and I didn't recognize her, but she didn't look to be selling anything or handing out propaganda. She could be a neighbor who I haven't met yet, or someone looking for help. So I opened the door. She said, "I painted the numbers on the curb, would you please give a donation?"

Now, a week ago, someone came over and asked me for a donation before they painted the curb. I said, "We're not interested in having our curb painted. Thanks." Then, we got a note a few days later informing us that our curb was going to painted (like it or not) and to "please consider" giving a donation.

So when she came to the door today, I said, "No thank you, we don't want our curb painted."

She replied, "I already did it."

I replied, "We didn't ask for it."

She said, with a sigh, "If you change your mind, here's my information where you can make donation."

I replied, "Thank you."

So far so good, not a ton of guilt... a little, but I didn't feel bad about saying "no". Her little bits of sighing and pushing me to give her a donation didn't push any buttons.

Then, as she walked away, she said, "I painted everyone's curb." Now, the words, not so bad in a blog, but the intonation was, "and you're stingy and heartless to not give me something for it."

That's when the pang of guilt hit. Also, a pang of anger. Flash! Guilt and anger. (Why is passive/aggressiveness so good at tapping into both of those feelings?) I felt guilty not because I was being stingy but because I made her feel bad, I made her mad. I felt guilty because she was scolding me. I felt angry because it was an obvious ploy for money, using my personal feelings as a weapon against me.

Guilt is a tool of the vast majority of people who ring my doorbell and want me to give them money. If I feel guilty enough, I'll pay them to go away and make them stop throwing guilt at me (and hence, making me feel better).
They put me in a position where if I do what I want to do, I have to let them down. If I do what they want me to do, I let myself down. Either way, I lose.

So it's up to me to decide what I want, what I believe is right, and what is good for me, and then support myself, and allow the person who knocked on my door their own feelings even if those feelings are negative towards me.

After she left, I felt guilty for a short while, then I was annoyed with her, and finally I was happy I said "no". She did paint my curb, she did do something nice for me, but she did it without my permission, then expecting me to pay her money. Essentially, she expected me to make good on a contract that I never signed.

It is hard for me to stand my ground when I feel guilt vibes coming from the other person. The feeling of guilt is strong and human nature is to make it go away. And the easiest way to make it go away is to simply do what the person is asking. But although that may result in short-term guilt reduction, it all too often then results in long-term resentment, anger, and guilt turned towards the self.

Guilt used as a weapon is heartless and destructive. Sometimes, we need to feel guilt because it points us in the right direction, but sometimes, our guilt monitors go on overdrive. Being in the moment, knowing ourselves, and reminding ourselves to not get wrapped up in trying to "feel better", is the only way to know if the guilt we feel is a guiding light, or a decoy.

May we all be able to acknowledge and accept our feelings in the moment and to be able to make mindful decisions for ourselves in the long-run, without hurting others. Also, may we allow others to feel their own feelings, and not get caught up in trying to appease others for the sake of running away from how we feel, or trying to fix the other person so we can feel better.

Are We Really All that Accepting?

"I love/like you despite all of your flaws."

That sounds like a nice thing to say, so accepting, but it's not. It's a condescending, hurtful, and ego-centric thing to say. It is another way of saying, "You are flawed, and I'm such a good person, that I will put up with your crap and love/like you anyway. You aren't all that likable, but I'm going above and beyond what is required to like you."

Acceptance is often misinterpreted as being OK with the things that are wrong with people. Interpreting acceptance this way allows us to keep from looking at ourselves, and allows us to justify hurtful treatment of others, while keeping ourselves on a pedestal of righteousness.

But when we really accept people, we don't see them as flawed in the first place. We don't see them as inferior to us. When we accept someone, we don't have to be "a big person" for in order to accept them. Acceptance means that there are no flawed people.

True love and acceptance is impossible if we think of ourselves, or someone else as flawed. Any "love" towards a person we think is flawed is a weapon of hurt. No matter how much we try to hide our true judgments with love or acceptance, our deep feeling that they are flawed will come through in insidious ways, and cause hurt.

It's hard to love unconditionally. It's hard to keep from letting what people do and say change whether we "love" them or "like" them. But if we do change how we feel, it's not because they are bad people, or flawed, but because something in us expects them to be a certain way in order for us to be able to access the feelings we consider to be "love." Their actions aren't the problem. By saying we love someone despite their actions or despite who they are, we are putting the blame on them, and not recognizing our own responsibility for the changes that happen in us when people do things we don't like.

Let us say this message of unconditional love:

"I love/like you no matter what.

If you do something and it hurts, I will act in a way that responds to that hurt, and I take that responsibility. It doesn't change the way I feel about you or myself. No matter what anyone does or says, they are not more or less deserving of love. But I reserve the right to honor myself, and stay away from actions which hurt me, or people who I am unable to keep from hurting because of my own weaknesses. There are no flawed people, including me and you.

May I love/like unconditionally, and may I love/like responsibly."

Why People Don't Like Each Other - Letting Go of Us/Them

It's logical to think that when someone treats us badly, we like them less.

But that's not true. It's actually the other way around.

When we treat others badly, we like them less. 

It can take a long time for someone treating us badly for us to finally get the message that our love and affection is better spent elsewhere. Why would we put up with years of abuse, or let a "friend" bully us, or keep going back to partners who talk down to us if people treating us badly makes us like them less?

Whereas, when we treat others badly, we are less likely to want to be around them, to like them, or to give them future affection or love. When we treat others badly, we significantly increase the chance that we will spend our affection elsewhere.

Why is this? It stems from cognitive dissonance. Deep down, we all want to think of ourselves as good people. We wouldn't hurt anyone, or do anything bad. Well, unless, the other person deserved it. In order to maintain that we are good people, when we hurt someone or treat another person badly, we have to create a story in our mind that the other person deserved it. It was something bad about the other person that makes us treat them badly. It's their fault we behave the way we do, so we like them less.

With this understanding, we can see that treating people well isn't effective at getting them to like us better. Treating people well helps us like others more. Treating other people well cultivates a continuation of being compassionate to others and of continuing to treat them well - no matter how they treat us.

That's the key to this meditation - if we treat other people with respect, integrity, and compassion, we will like other people more, be happier, and even like ourselves more. When we like other people more, and we treat others well, we will feel more loved, and feel like we have more friends in the world. The concrete number of people who we can count as friends makes little difference. Our feeling of support and love comes from the feeling of how often we treat people well (not how often they treat us well). Think about this again. Our feeling of love and support doesn't come from how others treat us, but from how we treat others, and why we treat others that way.

If we understand this, when other people treat us badly, we will see not that this other person is a bad person or anything is wrong with them, but that they are simply treating us badly. It's when we treat others badly that we think they are bad people. If we want to get out of the "us/them" paradigm, the key is simply to treat others well. Treating others well isn't for them, but for us. How much they like us won't stem a whole lot from what we do. They will base their feelings for us much more on how they treat us.

So it's fruitless to treat others well to try and manipulate people into liking us. That not only doesn't work, but it sets up the scene to feel unappreciated and used. Instead, what works better is setting our boundaries and not allowing others to treat us badly. If they continue to treat us badly even after setting our boundaries, then it's not about us. If they treat us better after we set our boundaries, then we've made a potential friend based not on us trying to appease them or do what we think they want to make them happy, but based on two people who are treating each other well because they like themselves.

This teaching made an impact on me, because it allows me to continue to treat people well for my own reasons, rather than trying to be a peace maker or trying to "get" people to like or appreciate me. I treat people well for me, because I like other people, because I like me, because it's who I am, and because it's good for me and then, consequently, others. All of us are are responsible for our own feelings and behaviors. And if someone treats me badly, and they don't like me, I understand now that it's not me they don't like, but their own cognitive dissonance, and stories they create in their head. I do it, too. It's human. It's not personal. And that makes people's difficult behavior a lot easier to deal with emotionally.