I just found out that I will be Area Governor for our local Toastmasters district. Toastmasters is a non-profit organization where we practice communication and leadership skills. The meetings focus around public speaking, but there are many other aspects to the training, including project management and group leadership.
I'm looking forward to being an Area Governor, but I'm also nervous. It's something I've never done before. It requires a higher level of responsibility than being a president of a club. And I'll suddenly be working with a lot of people who I've never met.
On the other hand, I know enough people who have served as Area Governor, that I have mentors. There are also several other responsible people working with me, so I won't be doing this alone, or working against the grain.
Having a strong team of experienced and knowledgeable people is something I value in general, but I'm seeing that the higher up we go in responsibility and authority, how essential it is to seek out people who are smarter than we are, and who we can get help and advice from. This is not only true in an organization, but also in our personal lives. I'm experiencing that truth there as well, but that's for another post.
When we dare to grow, push ourselves out of our comfort zone, and do something brave, surrounding ourselves with people who can help makes it far easier to weather the challenges. Being brave alone is doable, but it's so, so much harder to push through without a support crew, especially in the long term.
This past year, I've questioned my strength, questioned whether I'm as brave as I thought I was, and questioned whether I had it in me to do things that are important. Accepting this position is a chance for me to explore this about myself again, to remind myself how strong, brave, and capable I am, while at the same time, doing something I enjoy.
I enjoy working with people to attain a common goal, I enjoy communicating, and I enjoy seeing people succeed. I also enjoy project management, getting things organized, and increasing efficiency. So, this role as the Area Governor should be a good positive challenge. It will also be a good chance to practice mindfulness, compassion, and acceptance.
Showing posts with label learning. Show all posts
Showing posts with label learning. Show all posts
April 21, 2011
February 1, 2011
Emotional Blackmail - Difficult People
In a previous post, I was struggling with dealing with passive aggressive people. I've since learned a lot about this, through websites, books, and talking with friends.
Passive aggressive people usually use other tools, too, which are just as hurtful and difficult to navigate: blaming, accusations, martyrdom, labeling, enemy/good guy storytelling (and usually it's them or someone who they are currently putting on a pedestal who is the "good guy"), threats, bringing in other people to gang up on the target, discounting people's value, punishing, expecting mind reading, and many other behaviors that are anything than healthy.
It's no wonder that P/A's are so hard to deal with. They aren't fighting fair.
They also pick their targets carefully. They may not realize they do this, but they manipulate situations and people so that they can craft a reality that does not involve them having to look at themselves, take responsibility, or change. To do this, there are targets who they can make the "other" and there are "friends" who agree with them.
If any of this sounds familiar to you, and if you've been the target of these kinds of bully behaviors, I recommend a book called Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward. She goes one by one through the different kinds of emotional blackmail, why people use these tactics, what it looks like when they do, how we let them do it to us, and how it gets to the point of making us crazy. Then, she gives us concrete tools on how to deal with people who try to use emotional blackmail on us.
We cannot change people. But we teach them how to treat us by allowing behavior. Emotional blackmail is not fair, and it's not right. We know it, but few of us understand how to recognize it and then how to stand up to it. Most of us use tools that only make it worse - begging, arguing, explaining, staying silent, waiting for things to cool off, trying to give them what they want, or pretending like everything is OK. None of these things work.
Many of us will use emotional blackmail ourselves. Not because we're bad people, but because we are backed in a corner, and what they are doing to us works, so why wouldn't it work back at them? Fight fire with fire. There are no alternatives left.
But when we do use emotional blackmail ourselves, we know it is not who we are, and it goes against our own integrity. There's got to be a better way, but without having seen it in action, having experienced it, or having any clue what other ways there are, how can we do anything different?
I am seeing there are other ways, but it takes being brave, changing my own internal habits and thoughts, and instead of trying to fix the other person, to hold on to who I am, my own integrity, create and defend boundaries, and not be dependent on the other person's approval and love to define my success and self-worth. It's a tough road to take, but it's the only way to stop spinning when dealing with people who do everything they can to keep the spinning going.
Passive aggressive people usually use other tools, too, which are just as hurtful and difficult to navigate: blaming, accusations, martyrdom, labeling, enemy/good guy storytelling (and usually it's them or someone who they are currently putting on a pedestal who is the "good guy"), threats, bringing in other people to gang up on the target, discounting people's value, punishing, expecting mind reading, and many other behaviors that are anything than healthy.
It's no wonder that P/A's are so hard to deal with. They aren't fighting fair.
They also pick their targets carefully. They may not realize they do this, but they manipulate situations and people so that they can craft a reality that does not involve them having to look at themselves, take responsibility, or change. To do this, there are targets who they can make the "other" and there are "friends" who agree with them.
If any of this sounds familiar to you, and if you've been the target of these kinds of bully behaviors, I recommend a book called Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward. She goes one by one through the different kinds of emotional blackmail, why people use these tactics, what it looks like when they do, how we let them do it to us, and how it gets to the point of making us crazy. Then, she gives us concrete tools on how to deal with people who try to use emotional blackmail on us.
We cannot change people. But we teach them how to treat us by allowing behavior. Emotional blackmail is not fair, and it's not right. We know it, but few of us understand how to recognize it and then how to stand up to it. Most of us use tools that only make it worse - begging, arguing, explaining, staying silent, waiting for things to cool off, trying to give them what they want, or pretending like everything is OK. None of these things work.
Many of us will use emotional blackmail ourselves. Not because we're bad people, but because we are backed in a corner, and what they are doing to us works, so why wouldn't it work back at them? Fight fire with fire. There are no alternatives left.
But when we do use emotional blackmail ourselves, we know it is not who we are, and it goes against our own integrity. There's got to be a better way, but without having seen it in action, having experienced it, or having any clue what other ways there are, how can we do anything different?
I am seeing there are other ways, but it takes being brave, changing my own internal habits and thoughts, and instead of trying to fix the other person, to hold on to who I am, my own integrity, create and defend boundaries, and not be dependent on the other person's approval and love to define my success and self-worth. It's a tough road to take, but it's the only way to stop spinning when dealing with people who do everything they can to keep the spinning going.
November 22, 2007
Thrown for a Loop on Thanskgiving
Generally, I don't get stressed during the holidays. I enjoy them. And see them as a chance to see people I love to be around. I also like giving and receiving gifts. Particularly with the kids.
This year, Thanksgiving threw me for a loop, bringing stress in its wake.
My husband's grandmother passed away suddenly.
And. She lives in Japan. Which means, my husband is taking off on an impromptu trip to Japan in three days.
This was incredibly stressful for us all today, to enjoy Thanksgiving while having this in the background.
Things that made this stressful:
1) We thought at first that he was going to have to leave tomorrow, the day after Thanksgiving, in order to make the funeral on time. Fortunately, the funeral isn't until Tuesday, so he has some time.
2) We thought the ticket was going to cost us $1000. And since it wasn't really an option not to go, that would mean a big bye bye to Xmas this year. Fortunately, it worked out that we had enough frequent flier miles for my husband to travel under $100.
3) My husband just returned from a week-long trip to England. That just sucks, and nothing we can do about that. This year will end up being a total of about 5 weeks of us being separated.
4) I will have to give up NaNo. When he as away on his London trip, I got so far behind, I was certain that I wouldn't finish. Somehow, after he returned, I managed to get some momentum, and realized that if I diligently wrote everyday while hubby watched the kids, I'd finish. I would need every day left in the month to do it (and get all my other writing done as well). With hubby being gone another 5 days this month, it will be impossible. I have to wave the white flag. Strangely, I feel relieved.
There are other issues like not having a suit for the funeral, and having to go out in Black Friday craziness to get one, not sure how his work will handle this sudden disappearance, and working around some scheduling conflicts.
But in this all, I have to say, that my hubby was incredible. He managed to cook Thanksgiving dinner. (He cooks, I clean.) Deal with his family crisis, and not lose it. Not even once. I was in awe.
Frankly, he kept me together. I said to him early in the day, "It'll all work out." He proved it.
Everything balances out in the end. It'll be OK. It always is.
This year, Thanksgiving threw me for a loop, bringing stress in its wake.
My husband's grandmother passed away suddenly.
And. She lives in Japan. Which means, my husband is taking off on an impromptu trip to Japan in three days.
This was incredibly stressful for us all today, to enjoy Thanksgiving while having this in the background.
Things that made this stressful:
1) We thought at first that he was going to have to leave tomorrow, the day after Thanksgiving, in order to make the funeral on time. Fortunately, the funeral isn't until Tuesday, so he has some time.
2) We thought the ticket was going to cost us $1000. And since it wasn't really an option not to go, that would mean a big bye bye to Xmas this year. Fortunately, it worked out that we had enough frequent flier miles for my husband to travel under $100.
3) My husband just returned from a week-long trip to England. That just sucks, and nothing we can do about that. This year will end up being a total of about 5 weeks of us being separated.
4) I will have to give up NaNo. When he as away on his London trip, I got so far behind, I was certain that I wouldn't finish. Somehow, after he returned, I managed to get some momentum, and realized that if I diligently wrote everyday while hubby watched the kids, I'd finish. I would need every day left in the month to do it (and get all my other writing done as well). With hubby being gone another 5 days this month, it will be impossible. I have to wave the white flag. Strangely, I feel relieved.
There are other issues like not having a suit for the funeral, and having to go out in Black Friday craziness to get one, not sure how his work will handle this sudden disappearance, and working around some scheduling conflicts.
But in this all, I have to say, that my hubby was incredible. He managed to cook Thanksgiving dinner. (He cooks, I clean.) Deal with his family crisis, and not lose it. Not even once. I was in awe.
Frankly, he kept me together. I said to him early in the day, "It'll all work out." He proved it.
Everything balances out in the end. It'll be OK. It always is.
August 3, 2007
Life-Long Learning
Or, the beginner's mind.
One of the problems I have with many experts is the unwavering position they take without being open to other possible ideas. Very few experts are willing to say that their way may not be the best way. Perhaps it's a demand in our society that if an expert does admit they could be wrong, we don't trust them. And in order to get people to trust them, experts have to be diligent and steadfast.
But is there a way to be an expert and still see things from a novice's point of view?
Tobeme asks this question and gives us a really good explanation of the importance of empathy when we become experts.
Teachers and mentors who are experts in their fields, yet hold the same wonder and acceptance of new ideas as their own students - those are the best teachers. These are the people we can identify with and trust, because they understand where we are. They haven't forgotten what it's like to be a novice.
One of the problems I have with many experts is the unwavering position they take without being open to other possible ideas. Very few experts are willing to say that their way may not be the best way. Perhaps it's a demand in our society that if an expert does admit they could be wrong, we don't trust them. And in order to get people to trust them, experts have to be diligent and steadfast.
But is there a way to be an expert and still see things from a novice's point of view?
Tobeme asks this question and gives us a really good explanation of the importance of empathy when we become experts.
Teachers and mentors who are experts in their fields, yet hold the same wonder and acceptance of new ideas as their own students - those are the best teachers. These are the people we can identify with and trust, because they understand where we are. They haven't forgotten what it's like to be a novice.
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