Frustration with Passive Aggressive or Aggressive Behavior - Self-talk for Hard Times

Passive aggressive, and even directly aggressive, behavior is very difficult to deal with.

For me, the real challenge comes when it's someone who is ostensibly my friend or family.

I couldn't figure out why a stranger being a jerk only bothers me during the actual behavior, but a friend, family, or someone who I looked up to, being a jerk really pushes my buttons and the pain lasts for a long time.


1. People who say they are friends or family acting selfishly or in hurtful ways starts the downward emotional spiral. What really solidifies my angst is when I try to address the issue of how their behavior makes me feel, and they either deny they did anything, ignore me, blame me for their behavior, or bring up something else that pisses them off more. It's the not being able to address the issue that bothers me more than the actual behavior. When a stranger does this kind of thing, I just go "bah," whatever - I don't feel the need to address the issue. When a friend spits a hurtful remark at me, tells me to go away aggressively, or gives me an indirect insult, I feel trapped and aggravated. I need to address it, but I can't. Also, I invested caring and love into this relationship, and I have given a lot, and to find out that the relationship is really just about them feeling good, and doing whatever they want to me, and my feelings don't matter, it pushes me into grrr mode.

2. Once I commit to something, I fall easily into a full emotional commitment. Relationships, but also jobs, clubs, groups, etc. That also means I will forgive bad behavior for a long time until it reaches a boiling point, because I have an idyllic view of how the relationship is supposed to be and hold steadfast to that until my bubble is burst. I don't commit easily. So when I do, it must be great, right? I must have decided to commit because it's great, right? So when it goes sour, it tweaks the image I have of it, and I want so much for it to be what I thought I was getting into.

3. Because of my upbringing, I didn't learn how to deal with the pain of emotional neglect and rejection. I had to piece together a mishmash of coping mechanisms. When a stranger doesn't care about me, I'm OK with that because I know how to handle that. But when I feel that a friend or family member (or someone who I look up to) is rejecting me or neglecting me, it throws me back to the many times I had to deal with this kind of pain as a child without help or support. I know what my inner child is doing is not good for me. But she takes over and wants so much to learn how to deal with the pain and have someone who will listen and accept her. When the very person who she had assumed would be there, turns out, yet again, to be the person who brings pain instead of love, boom! back in time.

So, what do all of these have in common?

Attachment issues.

I am a nearly 40 year old woman who has attachment issues.

Sounds sad, huh? But as much as it might be sad, it's incredibly common. In fact, in Buddhism, attachment is the ultimate cause of our emotional suffering.

If any of us suffer emotionally, it's because we have attachment issues.


Reading this article today, help me put together the common denominator in all the places I feel hurt, sad, disappointed, embarrassed, afraid, and other painful feelings - needing to detach.

How do we deal with people who are passive-aggressive, aggressive, blaming, hurtful, crazy-making? Examine our attachments. Detach.

Detachment (or non-attachment) is not: pushing away, neglect, ignoring someone, not talking to them, blaming them, not caring about them, or denying love.

It is a way of relating to the world that allows the world to be what it is, and not being attached to wanting to make it reflect the ideal version we have in our head. Detachment (or non-attachment) is another dimension to acceptance.

I put this together for myself, to have something I can go to when my child doesn't know how to deal with intense emotions. When she wants to change something, fix something, or bend over backwards to keep someone from being upset, I can go to this and remember - oh ya. Perhaps it can help someone else, too. And together, we can heal our attachment issues.

Self talk and mindfulness for hard times:

• How old am I right now? (eg. I feel like I'm 17.)
• Is there an event in my past that is triggering this feeling?
• What exactly am I feeling right now?
• What does this feeling create in my body?
• Wait to act on these feelings and spend this moment just feeling them and fully understanding and loving myself first.

Do I need to detach?

• Am I addicted to wanting the person to like me?
• Does it seem like the other person is emotionally unavailable to me?
• Do they seem coercive, threatening, or intimidating to me?
• Do they seem to be trying to punish or abuse me?
• Do I feel I'm not making progress or feeling reinforced in our interactions?
• Do I feel smothered?
• Do I feel like the other person needs me to survive?
• Do I feel like I need the other person to survive?
• Does the other person's actions and what they say impact the feelings I have about myself?
• Do I feel a chronic need to fix, rescue, or enable this person?
• Do I feel obliged and loyal to the point of never being able to leave?
• Does the other person seem chronically helpless, lost, or out of control?
• Is the other person self-destructive or suicidal and I feel guilty my actions might make them hurt themselves?
• Does the other person have an addiction that I feel I must fix?
• Do I feel manipulated or conned?
• Do I feel chronically guilty?
• Do I fantasize that the other person will come around or change to be what I want?
• Do I feel like our relationship is a competition for control?
• Do past hurts get brought up again and again, and not forgiven even after having a heart to heart about it?
• Do I feel ignored?

Letting go of painful attachment:

• I am not responsible for other people's emotions.
• I am not responsible for other people's actions.
• I do not need to fix anyone.
• I do not need to fix a relationship.
• Only they can change how they react to me.
• Show up, pay attention, be honest, then let them be who they are.
• Create a safe space between myself and those who trigger pain in me.
• I am free to feel my own feelings without having others approve or acknowledge them.
• They will be OK without my emotional involvement.
• I am not shunning or abandoning another by making space and allowing them to be who they are.
• Their anger, frustration, and all other feelings are theirs to own.
• I can empathize with one's pain without sharing it or being responsible for it.
• It is OK to create space if I feel uncomfortable, scared, hurt, or otherwise out of sync with another, without having to announce that space, apologize, or tell the other person to back off.
• If a person is in my face, and is relentless, I have the right to say "back off," but not to punish, only to create space for myself.
• I am not responsible for another adult's emotional tantrum, even if it's a mini tantrum (Passive aggressive).
• I am not responsible for taking care of someone who is chronically helpless, a victim, or incompetent.
• Unless it's a true emergency (which is extremely rare), I do not have to react immediately, and can take my time to assess whether I want to become involved or not.
• I am not responsible for another person's reaction to me saying, "No," including if they decide to have a tantrum or manipulate with fear, obligation, or guilt.
• What beliefs do I have about why I can't let go of my image of the relationshp? How can I replace those beliefs with healthy, strong ones?
• If I still feel guilt about detaching, why do I feel guilt? Who is speaking in my head making me feel guilty? Who am I trying to make happy by feeling guilty? Whose rules am I trying to abide by? Do I feel OK according to my own integrity?
• If not, is there anything I can to do make amends without having to involve the other person?
• If not, can I make amends to forgive myself, without the need to get forgiveness from someone else?
• If I am OK with my own rules of integrity, can I make a new statement about what I did, how they acted/reacted, or how I feel that creates a healthy detachment?

Reducing Fatigue by Sleeping Less, Not More

I have had a lifetime of experiencing sleepiness and general fatigue. I don't know if it could be officially labeled chronic fatigue, but it has been there forever. Generally, I need 9 or more hours a sleep a night, and still often felt fatigued throughout the day. Waking up is hard for me. As a kid I slept more than the other kids. In college, I couldn't do the all-nighters that my friends could. As an adult, I sleep as much as my kids do.

Some days, I am tired when I wake up, and stay tired the rest of the day.

After giving up caffeine, alcohol, and high fructose corn syrup, which all helped for a while, I still struggle with fatigue. High fats and high carbs probably also contribute. Although I don't think I generally eat enough fat or carbs to warrant the amount of fatigue I experience.

For a while, I shifted my sleeping schedule, thinking that if I slept in, and stayed up late, I would be on more on target with what my body wants to do. Still, I slept 9-10 hours a night (or wanted to) and felt groggy throughout the day.

So, I decided to just accept it. I sleep a lot.

But boy, sleeping a lot, and being tired a lot, means not getting a while heck of a lot done. I would find that the glorious days I wasn't tired, I'd try to cram all the things I didn't do during all those days I was tired. Again, accepted myself and this was how I worked. Although I have to admit, every once in a while, would be annoyed with myself for being so tired.

Then, I read about the Sleepless Elite. These are people who only need a few hours of sleep a night, and have a ton of energy. A friend of mine in college was this way. I was secretly jealous of him.

It got me curious, and I started looking into different sleep patterns and research (mainly trying to see if long sleeping and furiously vivid and emotional dreams meant that I had a brain tumor or if I should expect an impending heart attack. Despite my earnest attempt to find this connection, none could be found, even on the internet.)

Through this research, though, I discovered something better - polyphasic sleep. The theory goes, that REM is really the only kind of sleep we need. Normally, a sleep cycle takes about 90 minutes to get into and through a REM state. If we can train our bodies to go right into REM sleep, we'd only need 15-20 minutes of sleep 6 times a day. This is the most extreme version of polyphasic sleep, called the Uberman's Sleep Schedule.

Polyphasic sleep was not something I could try, seeing that I have kids and responsibilities and all, and apparently I'm not the only one. People indicated that finding times to take regular naps in a typical American life, is next to impossible. In addition, making the transition to an Uberman's sleep schedule is taxing on the body. What about considering a milder form of plyphasic sleep, sleeping 3-7 hours a night, and adding naps? If Ben Franklin and Thomas Jefferson could do it, so could I!

Apparently, a lot of people have successfully adopted a biphasic or triphasic sleep pattern, reducing their sleep needs by 1-3 hours a night. There is even a Google group dedicated to talking about sleep patterns.

After much research, I decided to try the "easy" biphasic sleep pattern - 7 hours a night, and one 30 min. nap. That would reduce my sleeping by about 2 hours. And what's the worst thing that could happen? I'd be sleepy? Well, I was already sleepy.

I've been sleeping this way for about three weeks now. I sleep from about midnight to 7, and then generally stay in bed for another 30 minutes to an hour, but I'm not sleeping. Meditating, thinking about my dreams, generally getting mentally ready for the day. But some days, I do wake up at 7 or soon after. Then, in the afternoon, I take a 30 min nap, whether I'm tired or not.

Overall, I'm less sleepy and fatigued during the day. And I am awake and out of bed a solid hour longer than before. I'm also learning, slowly, how to wake up with the alarm by the daily naps I take, so it's easier to get up in the morning, too.

I'm slowly going to work my way to being in bed only 7 hours. Now that I have the nap as part of my daily routine, I know that if I wake up and I'm tired, that I can take a nap later, and it's easier to get going.

I like this new schedule better. In general, my dreams are less intense, I have less insomnia during the night, and I'm not as tired during the day. It's not an enormous difference, but a noticeable one. And, even though I'm sleeping less, I'm not any more tired than before.

So what have I been doing with that extra hour or two? I've been able to find time to meditate. I couldn't find time before, and didn't want to, because I was too fatigued. Now, I get a nap and a meditation in most days - and a workout, several days a week, too. So far, this schedule is working out great for me, and I'm slowly starting to feel like I'm no longer a "long sleeper."

How to Be Happy in Life - Finding My Truth

I've been struggling with being happy.

Kind of an existential thing. What am I here for, who am I, what do I want to do with the 2nd half of my life? Questions to myself of what kind of imprint I want to put into this world.

A little over a year ago, I had a very clear idea of this. I had a purpose, was overall quite happy. Driven, one could say. Then, the rug was pulled out from under me, as life does to us sometimes, and everything I thought I was doing right came into question.

I felt lost. I had lost myself in my purpose, or something like that. Or maybe, everything was just fine, but with such an unexpected life change, I have to start from scratch?

Nevertheless, I'm formulating a kind of life vision for what my truth is, and where my happiness comes from. I'm finding it to be a bit different criteria than I had before. So maybe it's good that life tossed me around a bit. It forced me to reset.

So, this is what I have so far, in putting my truth together of what makes me feel like I'm moving toward a full happy, satisfied, and whole existence. This is the first time I've attempted to write this down. Let's see where it goes.


Tools and Techniques for my Happiness and Personal Truth

- Spend time with happy people, who don't need to put me down, put others down, or create drama to relieve their pain. Surround myself with people who are at least one step ahead of me in the happiness department.

- Remove toxic people from my everyday life. (More on toxic people here.)

- Do hard things. Not arbitrarily hard things. Not make things that can be done easily into something complicated. Do things that are inherently harder than what I'm used to, that challenge me, that test my strength.

- Spend time with myself as an accepting friend - think/write about what I like, what I want, what I feel, how I do things. This involves meditation and spending time alone, and being OK with being alone, and being OK with who I am like I would be with a friend.

- Forgive myself for my mistakes. I've berated myself enough for what I've done.


- Let other people be responsible for their own feelings and actions. For me, this is an important one. It might sound strange, but I feel guilt when other people aren't happy or if they tell me their stories of woe. I feel the need to help fix their problems, or do something to make them feel happy. I'm thinking this has something to do with my childhood, but barring a blog-counseling session, let's just say it's a habit I picked up somewhere. Anyway, by allowing people their pain and fear and all the other emotions that make me uncomfortable, I will have less emotional work to do in general. My own emotions are enough work! This letting go of responsibility of other people's emotions also leads to less judgment, which leads to less angst, and more compassion. It's strange to realize that letting go of wanting to help people out of their emotions and letting them just have them even if they hurt gives me more compassion.

- Fully go through my grief. I have lost some important things, things most other people have, things I was promised and was not given. And I have missed out on opportunities that will never come around again. These missed opportunities and unpleasant losses hang with me, and a large part of this is because I have not allowed myself to grieve. Instead, I tried to be "strong" and to say it's no big deal, whatever. By not allowing myself to admit that these missing things hurt me, and I am struggling because of them, they sat and festered. I'm slowly unraveling some of the long-term pain I've been holding of what I've lost or missed, and each time I go a step further through grief, I feel happier and more whole.

- Sleep less. But better. I've change my sleeping habits. More on sleeping in a later post. But basically, I sleep less, and better, and I dream less intensely, too.


Some things I tried to do but only made me unhappy:

- Tried to not obsess. Doesn't work. I just get more disappointed with myself for not being strong enough. Instead, I've changed to accepting this obsessing business as part of who I am, and like a friend, comforting myself and listening gently through it all.

- Made a checklist of what I could do better. Again, didn't work. I did do some things better for a short while, and it felt good to make the list itself, but then I ended up just being who I am and disappointing myself yet again that I couldn't change enough for my own satisfaction. (Interestingly, letting go of the "do better" list, I'm making more changes.)

- Distract myself. Distraction works as a great tool in the immediate, when things are spiraling out of control. I distract myself when I need to keep from doing something hurtful to myself or others, or when my emotions are so hard and I feel trapped in the moment, like when I'm scared. But as a base-line approach, it masks the problem. Eventually, I have to deal with whatever happened or whatever emotion is there, and find some way to comfort myself, find solace, or resolve the emotion. Distraction is a great tool for the toolbox, but it doesn't work to deal with overall happiness.

That's what I got so far. I'm hoping through all this, I'll find a nice place to bob around for the next 40 years, with only a few blips here and there to deal with inevitable life stressors. If I can do that, and continue to do hard things, I'm thinking my life will be pretty awesome, and I'll do lots of great things along the way.

Identifying and Dealing with Toxic People

I didn't really understand the concept of toxic people. It used to make me upset that people would look at other people and call them toxic. Everyone is trying their best and using what tools that have at the moment. I used to think that toxicity was a way to not be responsible for our own behavior and attitudes.

Then, well, I met a toxic person. I mean a really toxic person. Actually, looking back, now that I understand better what they are, I can see that I have had my fair share of toxic relationships, but had no idea what they were, and chalked it up to misunderstandings or my not being able to express myself clearly.

So I met a toxic person, and I was forced to deal with this person for a long time before the toxins became too strong and I had to extract myself from the relationship. I was becoming toxic myself. I was also becoming the shell of who I once was. I felt old, and worn out. I had to leave the relationship to heal and regain my strength.

But I want to be careful here. Although I believe there are toxic people, I do not believe they are "bad" people or that they are purposefully trying to do other people harm.

In every relationship, even with toxic people, we are responsible for 50% of the relationship. Now that I've had this experience, and I can look back and see what happened in some of my previous relationships, I can identify both the things toxic people do, and how I let them do it to me.

Toxic people aren't toxic to everyone. They need people to let them inject their toxins in order for them to do their (unintentional) damage. I can't change the toxic people in the world, but I can immunize myself, and take care of myself. One way to do that is to know what a toxic person is and how they make me feel, so as soon as I identify this kind of relationship, I can back away emotionally before anyone gets hurt. So far, so good. 

Identifying Toxic People

There are several key elements to identifying when people are toxic to us. The first list is a series of behaviors that toxic people tend to exhibit. The second list is how we let these behaviors hurt us. The third is a list of tools I've found to be helpful in dealing with toxic relationships we find ourselves in.

What Toxic People Do

- Make drama. Life has natural drama, and dealing with that is hard. Sometimes we have to talk about things we don't want to, or do things we don't like. Toxic people make drama where there is no drama, and make the natural occurring drama worse.

- Use passive aggressive communication. We all do this once in a while. Toxic people do it often enough that it's part of their normal communication, especially when they are upset. Toxic people rarely speak directly about what is annoying them. With one exception...

- Lash out. When they aren't using passive aggressive remarks, they are lashing out. Lashing out can be yelling, cursing, raging, making fun of people, complaining, listing off your faults, even throwing or hitting things and making threats.

- Play victim. When they cannot get their way, instead of asking questions and finding out what is going on, toxic people play victim. They play the role so convincingly, it takes a person with a strong sense of self not to really wonder if they were indeed a really bad person. Again, we all see ourselves as victims from time to time. A toxic person uses this as a regular tool in their toolbox, and in conjunction with other actions on this list.

- Hot and cold. Sometimes you're on their good side, other times on their bad side. You never know. You have to tip toe around them and test the water each time to have a conversation with them. Their list of who they like and who they don't like is constantly changing.

- Play people against each other. Because they cannot simply ask for what they want, they use other people's wants and desires to get what they want. If that means playing them against each other, so be it. They take people aside, tell them what's wrong, split up friendships, and challenge your loyalty. They will often pick one person out as the scapegoat, and direct all ire at that person to distract you, especially if you are starting to question them about their behavior.

- No apologies. And if they do, you often wonder if they really apologized or not. "I'm sorry if you feel that way. I'm sorry that my personality bothers you. I'm sorry if you're an idiot."

- Refusal of responsibility. They slip and slide around answering questions that require them to be responsible (unless they have an answer that makes them look good, then they'll take great responsibility). If they are on the hook for something and they don't do it, they will not own up to it and instead find a way to weasel out of it.

- Blame. There is always someone to blame, and a toxic person always knows who it is. (And it's not them, or their friends, by the way.) Sometimes, it's clear who is at fault and whose responsibility it is to fix something. But a toxic person blames as a matter of course. Even when it's not important, there is always something or someone to blame. "Why is there so much traffic? Which idiot had an accident and is messing up my commute?" "Who stole my pen? I'm sure it was Joe, he's always stealing pens." "If you hadn't asked about the weather, it wouldn't be raining right now." If they blame people for little things, it's not a surprise what they do when big things happen.

- Prefer to work alone. Toxic people don't like how other people do things (except for their favorites, of course), and so really prefer to do it all themselves. They don't like anyone looking at what they are doing, or asking them for a report, or sharing. These are the kids who want the sandbox to themselves, and put a "members only" sign up, and they get to decide who is a member - for everything.

- Never, ever give up. Resilience and tenacity are a good trait in most people. By itself, and in conjunction with positive relationship traits like teamwork and work ethic, being willing to go the distance can be all the difference in a project. But with toxic people, they never give up on being right, being the winner, and never ever give up a position or ownership of a project. Unless it's a threat (fine! you want me to quit?) or it's been ripped from their cold, dead hands (I can't believe they forced me out and stole my project from me!), no matter how much people are saying what they are doing is hurting the group, other people, the project, or themselves, they don't give up. Again, they don't like to share, and they blame others, so why would they ever give anything up unless they were forced to?

What We Do to Allow Toxic People to be Toxic

- We give them the benefit of the doubt for too long. Once is a mistake, twice is bad luck, and three times is a pattern of behavior. Yet, those of us who want to keep the peace, we tend to overlook these "mistakes" until it's way too late. This is especially true if we are on their "good" list. We look at people's behavior, they look at people through the lenses of their approval, so we give them the benefit of the doubt even when we aren't being given the same courtesy. It's good to give people the benefit of the doubt, but also to remember moderation in all things.

- We are afraid to stand up to them. Toxic people are often the life of the party, but that also means they are vocal, unpredictable, and not easily embarrassed. If we stand up to them, we better be ready for a fight. Most of us don't want a fight, so we back down, and try to smooth things out. Switching to standing up for ourselves, instead of standing up to them, allows us to keep our boundaries while also not making it about the other person changing. We might still have to deal with a fight, but it's only one-way, while we simply state what we want and believe without fighting back.

- We get caught up in their story. Most people don't make up stories to protect themselves, so we assume that people aren't going to do that. So we believe their stories. Why wouldn't we? Without a healthy sense of doubt and willingness to ask for clarification and open communication, we are putting out a welcome mat for toxic people. They like people who don't challenge them, or ask them to be up front with what they are doing. They are also usually very strong story tellers, so it's easy to believe what they say about other people. If they expect you to believe them, and don't leave room for you to form your own opinion when we are on their good list, imagine what they will do when things aren't going well.

- We don't look at their history. They are more than willing to tell us their side of the story, which is always a good side, of course. They are victims, they had hard times, they were treated badly. Their history of who they've worked with, how they left the groups they worked with, and how much bad feeling was left after they left is something to pay attention to. Also, find out what the other side said. Not everyone is toxic if they had a rough history. But this is a strong indicator. Who are they working with now, who are their friends, how do they talk about their friends? Do they tell you about their ex-friends repeatedly? Do they look for sympathy about their family to everyone? Do they have any stories of people who they do treat well, and who treat them well, and people they've worked with who like them and where they have been successful? These are important questions to ask - when working with someone, forming a friendship, or dating. It's not conclusive to know their history, but if we don't ask, and take their side of the story without question, we are setting ourselves up to be in a potentially toxic relationship.

- We make assumptions about their intentions. When we assume their values are the same as ours, or that we have the same goals, we might be good in the beginning when things are pretty casual. But as time goes on, if we go along assuming we have the same goals and it becomes apparent that we don't, it's up to us to clarify that, even if it risks them not liking us anymore. Also, if it's a person who we never really liked, and we are always at odds, this assumption of common goals can make things worse, as a toxic person will assign another person's intentions as part of their discrediting scheme.

What Can We Do to Handle Toxic Relationships?

Toxic people are not fun to be around, but I'm learning, we don't have to be helpless.

- Remember that their toxicity is not about us. It might look and sound like it's about us, but it's not. We're just lucky enough to be their current target. Or, we let them push our buttons. But they will be who they are with or without us. (Look back on your toxic relationships. Did this person change and suddenly become a non-toxic person after you were no longer in the picture?)

- Let them be toxic. We aren't responsible for their actions or emotions. We are only responsible for ours. If they are toxic, it reflects badly on them, not us. If we let their actions get to us, that's where our work begins.

- Recognize when we have become toxic, too. It's easy to pick up toxic "fleas." The behaviors of a toxic person are human. It's the frequency and regularity of the behaviors that make it toxic. If we didn't use passive aggressive behavior very often before, but we find ourselves using it more and more now, we've allowed ourselves to start mirroring the very thing we don't like.

- Remember who we are and what we believe. They might be spiraling out of control, but we don't have to.

- Remember they are people, too. They might be hurting us, but they are people who are probably hurting more inside. We may never be able to be good friends, but we won't take it personally and be able to forgive them if we can see how they are hurting themselves as much as everyone else.

- Protect and regenerate ourselves. Emotionally and physically. Take care of our bodies, exercise, engage in hobbies, talk to people about topics other than the toxic person's encroachment on our lives, keep a clear and consistent gauge of our boundaries.

- Be willing to walk away. Know when enough is enough. Avoid threats of walking away, but simply know in our own minds what we can handle and what we can't. If we can't handle it, it doesn't mean we're not strong, even if they throw insults our way as we walk out the door. In fact, walking away can be one of the strongest things we can do.

- Learn to recognize and deal with emotional blackmail.

Toxic behavior is so frustrating, but when we learn to recognize it early, when we know how we invite it in, and when we know how to better deal with it, we aren't trapped anymore. We can change the world we live in by reducing the number of toxic relationships we have, and by not letting toxic people turn us into toxic people, too. All in all, this makes our lives easier, and the world a better place.

Namaste.

Are We Really All that Accepting?

"I love/like you despite all of your flaws."

That sounds like a nice thing to say, so accepting, but it's not. It's a condescending, hurtful, and ego-centric thing to say. It is another way of saying, "You are flawed, and I'm such a good person, that I will put up with your crap and love/like you anyway. You aren't all that likable, but I'm going above and beyond what is required to like you."

Acceptance is often misinterpreted as being OK with the things that are wrong with people. Interpreting acceptance this way allows us to keep from looking at ourselves, and allows us to justify hurtful treatment of others, while keeping ourselves on a pedestal of righteousness.

But when we really accept people, we don't see them as flawed in the first place. We don't see them as inferior to us. When we accept someone, we don't have to be "a big person" for in order to accept them. Acceptance means that there are no flawed people.

True love and acceptance is impossible if we think of ourselves, or someone else as flawed. Any "love" towards a person we think is flawed is a weapon of hurt. No matter how much we try to hide our true judgments with love or acceptance, our deep feeling that they are flawed will come through in insidious ways, and cause hurt.

It's hard to love unconditionally. It's hard to keep from letting what people do and say change whether we "love" them or "like" them. But if we do change how we feel, it's not because they are bad people, or flawed, but because something in us expects them to be a certain way in order for us to be able to access the feelings we consider to be "love." Their actions aren't the problem. By saying we love someone despite their actions or despite who they are, we are putting the blame on them, and not recognizing our own responsibility for the changes that happen in us when people do things we don't like.

Let us say this message of unconditional love:

"I love/like you no matter what.

If you do something and it hurts, I will act in a way that responds to that hurt, and I take that responsibility. It doesn't change the way I feel about you or myself. No matter what anyone does or says, they are not more or less deserving of love. But I reserve the right to honor myself, and stay away from actions which hurt me, or people who I am unable to keep from hurting because of my own weaknesses. There are no flawed people, including me and you.

May I love/like unconditionally, and may I love/like responsibly."

Criticism and Correction

"First, do no harm," is a Zen mantra. That includes "right speech", where we refrain from speaking unless it adds positively to a conversation or to the world.

What about criticism and correction? Does it have any place in "right speech"?

I was thinking about this yesterday as I started reading Dave Carnegie's How to Make Friends and Influence People. I picked up the book at the library last week while doing some research on passive-aggressive behavior. I've heard quite a bit about the book (mostly in the form of jokes about the title), and was curious.

So I started reading it last night, and the first precept is "Don't criticize, condemn or complain."

It sounded very Zen.

His reasons were logical; people don't react well to criticism, people don't change their behavior after being criticized (except to avoid criticism later), and people trust us less when we criticize often. Makes sense.

But is it practical? Can we go through life without criticizing or correcting, especially as parents? Is there another way to express our desires without that?

Passive-aggressives are very good at finding fault in others, while hiding from their own faults. Is finding fault in others universally problematic?

Do you know anyone who criticizes, yet is still well-liked and makes friends easily? A friend of mine once said, "It's not the people who like the things we do who are our friends, but the people who hate the same things we do."

Dale Carnegie uses Abraham Lincoln as his running example of a man who chose not to criticize. Can we all be like Abraham Lincoln? Or would Lincoln crash and burn in today's world of critical media and our society's lust for drama?

Dealing With Passive-aggressive People

I admit that I have a hard time dealing with passive-aggressive people. Passive-aggressive people (P/A for short) use passive means to display aggressive behavior. They use every means possible to look like the good guy, and the other person like the bad guy.

Passive-aggressive people are untouchable. They never apologize, they don't take responsibility for their behavior, they complain that other people don't live up to their expectations, and they avoid facing hard truths, especially when it means they have to look at themselves. Oh, and when they hurt others, they turn it around so it's always the other person's fault and they deserved it.

We all show p/a behaviors from time to time. Nobody's perfect. But people who live their life this way are so tiring to be around. I am able to "feel" people's emotions and attitudes pretty clearly. P/a people "feel" different than they are acting. They act so strong and confident, when inside they are so incredibly fearful. I don't know which version of them to respond to. The surface acting or the true person who is hiding.

Most people who are p/a, I have to distance myself from them and basically ignore. I can't get involved with those kinds of people. But there are people in my life who are like this and I am not able to walk away from due to circumstances. I'm sure a lot of people have this same experience, with p/a people in their families or at work.

P/a people have friends and loved-ones who don't seem to be bothered by their behavior. How do they deal with it? How can anyone be close to someone like that? I'm baffled.

So, I'm going along, trying to learn how to deal with the people in my life who act passively and yet are aggressive underneath.

Perhaps the first thing I need to do is let go of any desire to get their approval. It's not going to happen. They complain about everyone (except those who they are in complete awe of or who they seek their approval), so I'm going to be one of those people they complain about.

Perhaps I also need to let go of the idea that having any kind of "real" relationship with them is necessary. I'm naturally a "connect with the universe" kind of person. But they are sending a clear message to the universe, "Do not try to connect with me unless I invite you in." Perhaps if I let go of my attachment to being "real" about things, I can deal better with them.

Perhaps I also need to let the universe, or karma, take care of it. There are a lot of things I can change, but p/a behavior is not one of those things. I need to let these people make their own choices, absent of my judgment of them, and then let the universe and karma take care of it. In the big scheme of things, it doesn't matter if that one person is p/a.

Lastly, focusing on my own behavior is key. P/a behavior is a way to control a situation or person. Instead of trying to defend myself from their p/a attacks or clarify my position, I can simply do what needs to be done, focus on keeping my own integrity intact, and move on. I have no power to change the other person. I can only affect my own behavior. And when I focus on my own behavior, I can't be controlled.

I think it p/a behavior boils down to a fear of intimacy. And since I'm naturally an intimate person (perhaps to a fault), if a person acts the act of what intimacy looks like, but who is actually creating as much distance as possible, it makes me agitated.

It's my choice whether to allow them to continue agitating me, or to let it go. I will practice letting go, and see if I can make it a habit, or at least be conscious that I have a choice.

Do you know any passive-aggressive people? How do you handle them?