What it Means to Say, "I Love You"

“Love is just a word until someone comes along and gives it meaning.” - Anon

After an hour of arguing, accusations, and passive aggressive attacks, the last thing one expects to hear are the words, "I love you." But this very thing happened to a friend of mine, Joanna when talking to her cousin-in-law. Their family's relationship had been strained for months, due to financial and personal issues, and after one particularly stressful call, where Joanna was feeling angry and hurt, out of the blue, like a parting shot as she was about to hang up the phone, he said, "I love you." This was the first time she'd heard him say these words, or anything remotely close to them, since they were just cousins, and cousins-in-law at that. And that was the last she heard from him for several years afterward, because he had decided to cut her family out of his life. It left her unsettled. But she wasn't sure why.

Joanna's example is just one of the ways 'I love you' can be used to manipulate or to try to fix major relationship issues without actually being vulnerable or connecting. It happens everyday, in ongoing relationships between friends, and family, where 'I love you's are being said that don't mean love at all.

"I love you" is not "I'm sorry."
"I love you" is not "Forgive me."
"I love you" is not "Let me abuse you."
"I love you" is not "Please love me back."
"I love you" is not "I can treat you however I want to."
"I love you" is not "Now say you love me, too."
"I love you" is not "I love you now, but I can withdraw that love any time."
"I love you" is not "We are enmeshed, I own/control/think for you."
"I love you" is not "I depend on you emotionally to feel like a whole person."
"I love you" is not "I'm scared you don't love me, so I hope this keeps you around."
"I love you" is not "Let me in past your emotional boundaries."
"I love you" is not "I don't know how to really love you, so I'll use words instead of real love."
"I love you" is not "I am clearly dominant over you, and it makes me feel good."
"I love you" is not "See, I'm a better person than you."

I love you does not mean any of these things. When they are used to say these things, they hurt, they do not bring connection. They confuse, and create guilt, obligation, and even fear.

There is no blame or finger pointing here, but instead, knowing that just because someone says, "I love you," doesn't mean we are contracted to do something, implied or otherwise. It's OK to ask, "Why did you say that?" or "What do you mean by that?" It's OK not to say, "I love you," back. It's OK not to get entangled in guilt or obligation to do something different just because they said they love us.

It's easy to let, "I love you," infiltrate our emotional boundaries. But we don't have to. We can't stop the errant 'I love you's but we do have control of how easily the words jump over our fence.

I believe, that when we do really feel love, and we say "I love you," it feels good to say, no matter how they respond to us. And, more importantly, it feels good even if we do not say it. Sometimes, all we need to do to show how we feel is share a smile and treat people with respect. That can say, "I love you," more than words.

Let us be mindful of our right speech, that when we say, 'I love you," to someone, it's because it's better than not saying it.

Namaste

Should a Zen Buddhist Have Passion?

How does a Buddhist talk and present their point of view? When I was younger, I met a person who said she was Buddhist, but she was so hyper and enthusiastic, and even opinionated! I couldn't imagine how that could be Zen or any kind of Buddhist.

But now that I've studied Buddhism for a while, I see that it's all just carrying water and chopping wood. If that's the case, then what does being Zen look like?

Right speech - that's part of the eightfold path. But what is right speech in one culture versus another? What is right speech on the internet and in public conversation? What is right speech when someone is hitting you and everyone around you with a stick?

I recently had a very strong reaction in one of my blog posts on my other blog, JustEnough, and one of my comments basically replied with, "That's not very zen or compassionate of you to say this."

It really got me thinking. Well, first it was a clear sign that I'm not a perfect Buddhist. And perhaps, it's a great lesson that I will never be a perfect Buddhist, nor should I try to attain that.

But it also got me thinking about how I approach logic and arguments, and how I deal with the group of people I represent being hit with the same verbal stick over and over again. Does my response lead to the least amount of suffering? What is the correct Zen response? Is letting someone push me and everyone in the group I'm in, without response, the path to less suffering? Would having a soft, calm, approach work in this case? Is it possible to have passion and still be soft and effective at getting them to stop swinging?

On the one hand, personal attacks towards me, don't bother me much. But attacks on groups of people, especially the groups of people who I feel are "underdogs," is like sticking a hot poker under my fingernails. I cannot help but respond to help give strength to the less powerful group - especially if they are made weak because of the pressure being put on by the stronger group.

But, does this just perpetrate the "us vs. them" situation that has already been established by the stronger group? The “us vs. them” mentality is a strong one in our culture, not just among homeschoolers. My intention with the response on my blog was not to create an “us vs. them”, nor was my mind there when I wrote it. In fact, I can understand all too well the place where Kristen and Allison are, because I was there once. And perhaps, I’m on the other side of where they are? But, I am indeed passionate about this topic, and sometimes, after being hit with the same stick in the same place over and over again, it’s hard to have perfect compassion without lacing it with frustration.

While I have compassion for those who are anti-homeschooling or think that they understand homeschoolers when they in fact do not at all, I also have a strong response to irony and large elephants in the room, which will probably be with me until I die, no matter how Zen I get.

So, that leaves the question - fight for what I believe in while pointing out flaws in logic and presentation, all while allowing others to be who they are and speak their minds (i.e. have a debate) - or let the world happen as it will while I sit in zazen? I do go back and forth about that a lot, and swing towards both extremes from time to time, ever searching for the elusive middle way.